Saturday, April 28, 2012

To Err is Human..

...or whatever the saying is!

I just read my post "The Other side..." this morning, which I wrote a couple of weeks ago but did not publish. But of course I have to now, cause it just goes to show that just when you think you are out of the woods...

Oh ya, so let's start with the minor stuff...Big called twice since that posting... but I did not hook up, but I certainly did not tell him about PC or discourage thoughts of a future hook up. I am not sure why I cannot let that one go (and of course I hear GLNO saying "don't ever give up big cock" or something to that effect).

Oh and PPM surfaced for a day! I found his old email and just sent a random message asking how he was which evolved into a day of him trying to get me over to fuck him. And of course he was still full of shit and had stories coming out of his ass - that guy always made me laugh!

And dumbfuck Kiwi called...not for a hookup...oh no, him and his wife are still trying to work on their relationship but she is insisting that she needs to see a photo of me, that's it. He has maintained a denial to her about my full identity...gee thanks! But wanted to warn me that she would be doing some online searching for me...what a fucker! So I think I have minimized any findings there...he apologized once again for being such a dumbfuck, I played it cool...said no worries...but just don't completely give me up!!!!!! It is pretty far in the past for me now, but just another wrinkle I do not feel like dealing with though so hopefully that blows over.

And lastly, remember all I said about FG and how well things were going (although I did say how easily I would cave if he reached out), well he emailed last week asking me to call him. Of course I drop everything and call him. Yup! I called him and ditched my plans to race home to have him over to chat. When he arrived he was looking very sullen and a bit sheepish. I knew and he knew that no good could come from this visit (although some did in the end) but we could not stop this train wreck.

We talked for quite a bit (at first me just rambling, likely out of nervousness), and then he became quite emotional. Of course he has not made many changes in his life although there was some positives, that I pointed out as per usual. And of course there are issues with the girlfriend, and he stated it was not going to be long term (it was like he read my mind with respect to PC...except I am happy with PC when I allow myself to be!). Anyway, it came to a head with me going over to him to hug him, as a friend! And then the hug grew deeper and deeper in intensity, he told me in the first time since we split up, that he really missed me...I KNOW YOU, YOU CAN ALL SEE WHERE THIS IS just felt so good to hug this deeply...the connection is incredible (and I realize that a lot of that is hurt and anger too - we had a passionate affair, good or bad we did). A few times we looked at each other, kissed on the cheek, but I kept pulling myself away. And then he would say, "I better go" and I stupidly said "No please stay" and then said ha ha "Don't worry, I won't sleep with you..." cause I truly believed I had the strength and willpower and the respect for PC not too!!!!! I truly did. And then...he walked me, backed me, however it was but we made it over to the bed and the rest is history. We made the most passionate love we have in a very long time, if ever, it was mixed with raw emotion and familiarity and the post-coital embrace was the most tender (and lengthiest) ever, filled with all kinds of emotion. And of course, I then offered to feed him ha ha - it's what I do...but I also could not have him just leave.

So we enjoyed dinner was actually really good, we talked about what brought him here etc Then it was time for him to leave and we hugged again and I started to speak and he stopped me and said "Don't ask...", I said "I have nothing to ask, I just want to tell you I have no expectations from this, what happened happened...I do still love you and I am not sure what that means, but what happened today will go no further" (or something to that effect, but essentially that was not the start of something again, it just happened)

So he left and I messaged him later to ask what he thought I was going to ask. He said he was not sure but what I said was perfect. And he thanked me for being there for him and we went back and forth how we may finally be able to move forward. It actually felt really good, cause we got some "unfinished" business out of the way, despite it being very disrespectful and dishonest to our new partners, and I felt that we could move forward as friends.

Well me being me, thinking I was in such a better place and could handle this all - lying to PC and having FG show up out of the blue and reach out to me etc etc - of course COULD NOT HANDLE IT, well at least after several beer. So first I almost sabotage things with PC, by inviting him to the bar I was at with friends for a drink (apparently I was very handsy and was talking crazy talk - going on about insecurity - when in fact it was guilt bubbling over). And then I thought it would be a good idea to text and PHONE FG at 12:30 a.m....oh ya, crying like a baby as PC had left the bar, not so happy and I guess I thought I was calling FG as a friend, and apparently telling him how much he messed me up! And guess where he was???? Oh ya at his girlfriend's place! He said something like, after I said just hang up on me, "Oh...I will be calling you...tomorrow!"

Anyway, I got the email the next day...he was not pleased, being dramatic that it was the second relationship he ruined (okay, first your marriage was a sham and secondly, he had told me that there were issues in his current relationship, but if it was okay then a call from a crazy ex would not ruin it unless he was stupid enough to tell her he had slept with me - which I found out later he did not)...and of course I retaliated, but affirmed I was in no way calling to reconnect and I honestly was not. I just was calling out of how much that fucked with my head and the guilt I was feeling AND I WAS VERY DRUNK.

Anyway, that day too I had to try to salvage things with PC, which I did somewhat that day, but it took until later in the week for us to get back on track and for him to see that I am not crazy. I never did fess up, not sure if that is right or wrong, likely wrong but I will not (or will try with all my power)  ever do that again. I just cannot!

And just yesterday, things got resolved with FG again. I know there is no good reason to have FG in my life still even as a friend. I know it makes no good sense. But for some reason I still need that. I think I almost need to prove to myself that I can do this. Or it just goes back to me being a hoarder. But essentially I messaged him one last time to say that yes, I should not have called, but that we were both to blame for what happened. I am choosing to forgive and forget and move on (myself and him) and that he should consider the same, and if he was willing to do that then he could contact me for a friendship...A PUBLIC ONE! Anyway, never thought I would hear from him again, but I got a message back saying, "Yes, I still want your friendship...BUT NO DRUNK CALLS" I agreed! I really have not been inclined to call him at all...come on, I think I was entitled somewhat to behave in that manner? ha ha ...

So here I am, out of the rubble and read to get back on track. 10 steps forward and just one back this time...I have learned not to beat myself up. I will likely continue to make mistakes, as it is a huge pull for me my past lifestyle and choices I made (with reckless abandon). And on the PC front, I did slip and was doubting that relationship cause I was feeling a bit insecure, even before the FG meeting. And I have decided to make a mental point there, of just enjoying what is there to be had and to quit overthinking everything, but mostly TO GET A LIFE!!!! Idle minds and hands are never a good thing!

So I continue onward and upward! This thing called life certainly can be a challenge, I tell you.

The other side....

I never thought I would be here...don't get me wrong the draw to fall back on my Agnes ways is still there (a true addiction as Kat once talked about) is pretty close to "one day at a time" or whatever the AA saying is.

PC and I have been seeing each other exclusively for almost 3 months now. Within that time frame I have taken a trip on my own, and no cheating! Cannot even think about a time in the last few years that I have been on a girls trip and did not at least make out with someone, or been out on the town and drunk and kissed someone (or more). Don't get me wrong, I am still very attracted to other men but somehow I am managing to keep my 'dick in my pants' so to speak!

PC is not my forever guy, I truthfully can never do forever again (I know I should never say never) but I just do not see long term. He is at a different stage in his life, and I am ready to spread my wings! But for now I am enjoying the honesty him and I have with one another, the attention he pays to me - so complimentary and loving and kind to me. Just very conscientious about my feelings and needs and very appreciative of me meeting his needs (all of THEM uh huh...). The sex is very good (keeps getting better and better - he even "accidentally" slipped into the back door last night - I was soaking wet, and he did kinda slip in - later he said, "sorry I didnt realize..." - it was a first for him - I think we will try again one night soon).

I do have days where I panic and want to get out, and I have to just slow down and enjoy TODAY. Some of that of course is the fear, that like FG he too will break my heart, and I figure get out before that can happen. And I know you cannot live like that.

And while PC is wonderful, he is not FG. I do still miss him deeply and the connection FG and I had was so strong. While I think PC feels that for me, it is not nearly as strong at my end (which does carry an element of guilt with it). When FG would even touch my shoulder, it would send a shiver throughout my body. We could not be cooking in the kitchen without touching one another (which of course usually resulted in sex). But I keep asking myself was that due to the nature of our relationship? The forbidden fruit? And that my relationship with PC is "normal" and much healthier? So I struggle with that a bit. Don't get me wrong, I will always get off, I love sex, but having that fiery electric deep in your belly sex is something difficult to attain...OR IS IT?

I do still communicate with FG on occasion...I write the odd note to help me work through my feelings, and check in on how he is doing. I have to say he has been quite good at allowing me to do that and responding "appropriately" by not engaging. He knows if he gives an inch I'll take a mile, and we can never go back to what we had. I don't want to go back, I had many more sad days in the end than happy. But I do miss the friendship we had. And I would like to get to a better place with him and truly envision us going for a coffee and talking about old times, and be able to keep our hands off each other ha ha. It is also making it easier that he is seeing someone too. Of course, I was initially jealous. But clearly had no right to be as I had started dating PC before he started dating, and of course as we know, I was less than faithful to him during our relationship. It is just a bit sad and disappointing some days that now that we are able to be single, and open and honest, we don't get to do that with each other. We actually had a lot of the same future plans etc But that's okay we will both do that on our own, and will be always be proud of one another for coming out of all of that "stuff".

No one else has resurfaced ...not even Big!!!! And you know what, I am feeling pretty good about it. I am pretty happy and satisfied with my life right now. Lots more to do, but a lot of things have changed for the best, and the main one is being able to live honestly.

Friday, February 17, 2012

In deep...

Okay, I guess I just don't do slow...I guess I am just one of those people that when I am in I am in...there is no dipping toes, just full immersion...I am using words to say, "let's go slow" but my body and heart are in a place way farther ahead than my mind...and it is terrifying and exciting all at the same time!

That's right PC and I are 22 days in, and it feels like we have known each other forever, or a very long time...many firsts for him and for me too...I know this is hard to believe but I have never been thrown up onto my counter top before...I gasped, in an excited kind of way. I don't think anyone has ever pleasured me over and over and over and over like PC has...he is all about me (don't worry I make him feel very good too!).

Some days I think there must be something wrong with me that I can feel so connected so fast, but I just am, and the feeling is completely mutual. And the best thing, we have had full disclosure (well no one will ever get full disclosure from me with respect to this blog and all that has been shared). The promiscuous Agnes is no longer, but I feel I can give full honesty to PC from this point forward and so far matters that needed to be shared have been shared. I mentioned I had a boyfriend (FG) but he has not made any inquiries and I have offered none.

While things are going wonderfully...I do miss FG and I do still love him, those feelings never go away, they have changed though...there is not an ache or desperation, there is just a fondness and quite honestly a little disappointment that he could not be the one I could be openly dating. While he was far from perfect (and I know I am too), we still had good times and also a strong connection. I know he would be happy for me having met PC, but I feel sad as I think it will be some time before he gets to a place that he can have this; he will though I know. I did see him on the highway the other day, and I shook for the rest of day....I actually knew I would see him, the feelings were so very strong. We just waved and drove on...and no word since.

So PC stayed over last night, and he will again tonite...can hardly wait...then it is usually days before we see each other again, which is working well so far. I need to work on my "aloneness" while some of you may embrace that, I struggle with that. But I am a work in progress and feeling good about a lot of the changes I have made.

P.S. Big called me last week, they never go away...I should have told him that I was seeing someone, instead I just put him off...I can't figure out why I keep that trailing...maybe cause he was my first, maybe cause there was never an emotional attachment, who knows..or maybe it is because he has the biggest cock I have ever been with! ha ha

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


OMG does one do that? How does one take things slow? This is so foreign to me...

I finally started dating (after getting my closure with FG)...I met a guy on an online dating site, which I thought would never work...I was "hidden" and added him to my "favorites" and the rest is history (after some very crappy responses and interest).

Anyway, we are off to a good start. He is very funny and surprisingly finds me very funny too. He gets my sarcasm, he is patient with my forgetfulness (being with me is like being with Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates). He finds me sexy and is not afraid to express it. He is very happy to have found me and is as equally surprised that we did using this medium.

Anyway, we had an initial coffee date last Friday as we couldn't wait for the meeting we had set up for tonight! We totally hit it off and then kept in pretty good contact over the weekend while I was away. By my return Sunday, he was anxious to see me and me him. We agreed that we could squeeze in a visit before his game last night. I was going to meet him a local coffee shop but I was tired and feeling housebound, and just have a good feeling about him, so breaking all the rules of dating, I invited him to my place for a drink before his game. Rebel I know!

So he came over, we had a glass of wine, and great conversation. It was nearing his time to leave, and by this time there had a been a few finger touches and some hand holding...I did express to him what I wanted out of relationship right now (something casual and fun, but that I do like being affectionate etc), and he leaned over a bit and then that was it, we started out as a soft kiss, to something more frantic and passionate...a very pleasant surprise indeed ...and I GOT TONGUE...FG never would give me his tongue! Anyways, he did not want to go to hockey but I encouraged him to do so.

A few more kisses on the way to the door and away he went...well of course there was a text between periods hinting that he would like to come back for more. And of course, I am not one to resist a kiss. I figured it was safe cause it was that time of the month, so I could use that to keep my boundaries.

So back he came after his game, I greeted him at the door and we began frantically kissing again, he stopped and said "I could just rip your clothes off..." I immediately interjected and said "There are two reasons that will not happen (as much as I want that too), it is that time of the month...and secondly, we are only on date 2" we carried on...and moved to the couch and totally made out, then the hands began to wander somewhat, and before I knew it my top was off! If he can do with his mouth what he did to my nipples and breasts (making me completely wet and near orgasm) this could be a really good thing...I did cop a feel of what he was packing (so classy I know) and while he is not an FG (mmm I miss that nice thick cock) we can work with what is there! Anyway, we carried on kissing and talking and cuddling, it was very hot and comfortable all the same time. He left quite late and of course messaged me all the way home.

I really had no intentions of even going that far...that is what I need help with!!! How does one go slow? Or do we need to? I mean I love being intimate with someone...I love sex. Is this slutty in the world of mainstream dating? It worked great on AM...but in mainstream, do good nice girls do this stuff?

I am also worried about letting go of my "casual dating" cause things are just so easy and intense right off the bat cause we click. And I am scared to tell him to slow down, but I know I need to for me! I know I cannot rush into another "relationship" ...there could be other men out there I need to meet and date. How does one do this without hurting people? I know I can't worry about that, I have to worry about myself and my comfort level and honoring me, but damn this is hard!!!!

Anyway, that's the latest in my world! Maybe one day Kat will post again?!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I miss him sooooooooooo much....

As much as I know it was what had to be done for both of us (I always think more for him than me, cause it is me putting off having to make any decisions or changes ha ha), this is so difficult letting go!!!!!

I am constantly thinking about my FG...from the moment I wake up, until I go to sleep at night. Meals are particularly hard cause I cooked for him a lot...and when I moved out, it was like he moved in with simple activities were shared with him...A LOT! It's not all desperation thoughts...much of it is analysis as to why we cannot carry on, and really how compatible were we? (which is a question I have for all of you...this came to me the other day...never had I experienced such passion with someone as I had with FG...that constant hunger etc...but on paper, we are not really that compatible but maybe that is why we had that passion...maybe when two people are that compatible on paper those are the comfortable relationships? I mean they all serve their purpose, right? or can we have a combination? Just trying to get a feeling for what I should hold out for in making future decisions). And then the rest of the time I am remembering intimate/hot times spent together, or a touch or a look (that is generally when I feel the ache in my heart, the tightness in my chest and miss him like mad).

I know this feeling will eventually let up, but man it sucks! And I am hopeful one day we can be "old friends" ...I care deeply for this man - I care about his future etc and would love to be able to one day meet up for a coffee and catch up. I know we can't now, cause as he said "our chemistry does allow for that". I just have to be patient; and as he and my crazy doc say to me "be kind to yourself". Cause I have to be honest, I have reached out a few times, but I had to, I was compelled to. And no point beating myself up. The first time no response, and the second time I got a very nice understanding response from FG. I actually was impressed he did not just tell me to f'off! (not out of anger but more in that I am guessing he struggles with us not being together too, and he is just trying to shut me out to move on). That's the hard part, we did not end because we were mad at each other etc we ended because we both have tasks and decisions to make, and neither one of us was able to do that by being in each other's lives.

I am still contemplating my marriage, not going back but moving forward (perhaps dating my hub) and I am going to try dating other men too. I need to explore all my options if I want to see success and changes in my life. I have to admit the dating thing is foreign...meeting a guy to learn stuff about them and not for the purposes of sex - definitely not like an AM meeting! ha ha I had my first coffee date the other day, and when we finished, he said to me "you are very charming"...I laughed out loud! If he only knew how charming I was in the back of my car!

Anyway, one foot in front of the other - tripping here and there, but getting up and dusting myself off - onward and upward! And being kind to myself...and living honestly

Just want to mention...I REALLY REALLY REALLY MISS SEX!!!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Eeek I just saw we hit our 100 mark! Neither Kat or I have been great with keeping up with our blogging (well me better than her) or reading our fellow bloggers (sorry!).

I am pretty sure we made a promise to post a pic for HNT...I will let her know and we will see what we can come up may even be our farewell picture...I have been contemplating lately if we should continue this blog or not as our lives are changing.

Stay tuned!

Friday, December 30, 2011

What does 2012 Hold?

Only good things I hope? It has to, it's my lucky number! I am so ready to grab and run and keep running ha step at a time, but taking steps will be the goal.

Well I survived the family vacation. Just prior to the vacation I did attend my counselling session and the conclusion that was drawn was that my marriage is over and I should let my husband go. It was suggested that I have that discussion on vacation but there was no way I was going to do that; and post vacation, I am still confused and not 100% sure that is what I want to do. I can't figure out why I cannot just let go. I guess cause it seems so final. So these next few weeks I know I will face the music...just need to gather the strength and courage to do what is right .

I am allowing myself this time as while on vacation I received an email from FG that he needed to move on...without me. Of course I was an emotional basket case receiving that on a vacation I was already having anxiety about etc etc I knew what he was saying was true, and long overdue. This was something we were both needing to do, we had become each other's crutch not to take action in our own was safe and comfortable. I still maintain FG has not been the factor to end my marriage etc, but he has prevented me from personal development. I was putting his needs first. I was trying to fix his life; save him. Amazing how when you step back a bit you can see more clearly.

Don't get me wrong, I care deeply for FG, and if he got in touch with me today to say he made a big mistake and wanted me in his life, I would have a hard time saying no...right now anyway, as I am missing him like mad - it's like quitting smoking, not an easy know it's not good for you, but man it feels and tastes so good (I am not a smoker but I am gaining an understanding for an addiction per se).

He did say it was time and space he needed and he would get back in touch after the holidays, but I am not holding my breath. But I do hope it is significant enough time to allow me to get stronger to resist an unhealthy relationship if he does reach out again (which he has done now at least 3 or 4 times). This time though I did not try to convince him that he should find a way to have me in his life, that we could be casual etc. This time I affirmed he was making the right decision.

This year ahead I am going to get back on track with health and fitness. I am going to make some changes to my work life. I would like to take an adventure trip of sorts. And do some volunteering. I am going to attempt to take each day as it comes, and as it comes at me make good choices that honour one my main goals - to live honestly. I no longer want to compromise on that goal. I have spent many years living dishonestly, and it has finally taken its toll on me. Don't get me wrong, long term habits are hard to break especially with temptations all around me. It takes everything in me to resist these temptations ie. Big (I did cave a few days ago, just after I returned from my vacation and FG and I were "finalized" Big called me at a weak moment...and of course I had did not feel good afterwards, and definitely not satisfied). I am hoping when I start engaging in healthier activities that these temptations will fall to the wayside...I will be fulfilled and not needing to seek out these extra-curricular activities. This is not working for me any more, as much fun as it was at the time.

Wish me luck! And Happy New Year everyone, may you all seize what lies ahead! Onward and upward!