Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Joint Response to Anonymous

Okay, so I just had to respond to you Mr.Anonymous.

First of all, just so you know, our heads are not up our asses! Us, along with a lot of the other bloggers in the same boat as us, are living the same lifestyle. In fact, that is part of the reason we blog about this. Cause it exceeds the societal norms, but yet here we are, talking about it all, likely to gain some sort of understanding and yes, in a sick way, acceptance of the lifestyle we lead. Believe me, not speaking for everyone, but I judge myself everyday for the choices I continue to make. And just so you know, you WERE BEING JUDGMENTAL. But you are entitled to be, as those are your beliefs, and you are commenting on our lifestyle.

And also, I do not believe you are not accepting of your wife having an affair, you clearly are struggling with it as you are now reading blogs of other adulturers! You likely have chosen to accept her 'misgivings' so that you can keep your family unit together, as that is easier sometimes than to deal with the outfall of a messy divorce and custody issues. And that is okay too, a few years ago before I crossed the line, I would have been devastated by my husband my having an affair and certainly not accepting of it. Of course now, I feel differently as there are always circumstances (and also so you know, my husband has not been perfectly innocent, he is a human being too who acted up on a moment and needs).
So to address your comments to my blog 'ola amigo/amiga'. Did you read it? I thought I was expressing that I was confused about what I was doing, and I say "how has this become such a normal part of my life, but yet it is so wrong". I know how devastating it would be to him and to our family unit if he knew what I was doing. I don't know how I got here, but I am here now, and I cannot foresee in the near future stopping this behaviour. Everyday I try to understand why I choose to take the chance to lose it all. And that is why I have been questioning, do I really 'love' my husband? Is this what people do to those they 'love'? And yes, I said he would stay with me until the day he dies, but I have questioned him on that. Because there are times I feel he really does not like me, and I say to him, just cause you 'love' me, does not mean that you like me and want to be my partner. And that one should not stay with someone out of obligation or because of a piece of a paper. I think sometimes people stay with each other for the wrong reasons. I do ask myself, is it fair to stay with my husband, and not let him go so that he can find someone who is truly respectful of him and give him the adoration he needs. In fact, I have asked him that. My husband and I talk about everything, except for my extra-marital activities, we are constantly discussing our relationship. I wanted you to know that sometimes before you comment on other people's lives, that it is probably better to ask a few questions to maybe gain a better understanding of what may be going on with them.


Over to you Kat...

Wellllllllll...at first I was a bit pissed that you made the comments you made which involve my husband and I.  I did make a mistake in hashing out my issues in front of people and for that he knows I was truly sorry. 

The reason I started having an affair in the first place was because of the emptiness that I was feeling due to my husband's alcoholism.  He was having an affair with the bottle and I was turning to other men for attention and to fill the void.  Why did I not deal with his problem before turning to other men...believe me I tried and I continue to try.  My husband battles everyday with this problem and I am there to support him and love him to the best of my abilities.  So yes we both have our issues...me to sex and him to alcohol.  Does it make it right?  Absolutely not.  But it is what it is.  I struggle everyday, with Agnes by my side, to understand where I am going and what I am doing.  Right now my husband is not living with us due in part to his alcohol abuse.  I miss him everyday.  I don't know what the future holds for us and I hope that one day we can go back to where we were when we first married (without the alcohol and my need to seek out other men to fill a void).

In short, you cannot make judgment on us until you have seen the bigger picture.  I'm not putting blame on my husband for what I do although the blame has been put on me at times for what he does.  I'm sorry that your wife is having or was having an affair.  I can honestly say that as a woman we do it for different reasons than men do.  It is usually a need for attention or acceptance of who you are, or to finally be yourself without judgment.  I don't know your situation so I don't know why your wife is having an affair but believe me sometimes it is deeper rooted than just the need to have sex.

17 comments:

  1. Hmmm . . . I must have missed the comment that "Anonymous" made, but judging (without being judgemental, lol) by your responses here, it sounds like the same sort of opinion that so many others have left on so many other "infidelity" blogs.

    There are so many reasons that relationships go awry or off the tracks, just as there are many many different ways that people try to rectify the situation. All we can really do, as you two have done here, is to be honest about what happened to create the rift, try to salvage something from it, and then move on, one way or another. We're all adults, and we all make our own decisions, so I don't think it's fair to rip into one person's choices until you've experienced their same set of difficulties.

    Even between you two, there are sets of circumstances that are vastly different, that led each of you to where you are now. You've ended up in similar places, and are both seeking someone new who will provide you with the affection, romance, excitement, security, human tenderness, or whatever else it is that you're missing. "Anonymous" has his own set of circumstances, too, and will need to decide for himself what to do, so he can move on with his life.

    Just don't go ripping into other people along the way, dude . . . that's a sure sign of someone whose head is up their ass.

    XO

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  2. Jim...will you marry me? An open marriage of course!

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  3. Well if it is an open marriage I hope you don't mind sharing..LOL

    Thanks Jim for having our back on this one. Means a lot to Agnes and I.

    Cheers.

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  4. Sometimes, out here in blogland, there are people who just don't have the nuts to own their comments. They want to flame you, they want to make you feel bad, they want to impose their version of morality on you; but they don't want to give you any opportunity to respond or defend yourself. Eventually we all come across these pompous asshats.

    Don't let them bug you, ladies. Say it with me: water off a duck's back. Let them say what they will. They don't know you, which means they're just operating on their knee-jerk (and I do mean jerk) reaction.

    XO ~ Scarlett

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  5. Anonymous comments, if you have an issue have the courage to put your name against them. If not keep quiet.

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  6. I'm in on that marriage with Jim too! He definately understands why situations like this exist!

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  7. I too must have missed the post and comment. Think some very positive comments made by all above. One of the great mysteries of life for me is why so many people involve themselves in things that go against their beliefs and values then try to change the offenders to conform to the world as they see things.

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  8. I did not see the anonymous comment, but here's what I wonder: Why is that so many people are so quick to come to the defense of adulterers and so quick to dismiss negative comments by a reader? I suppose it may just be the audience. But Wouldn't we expect that the majority of civilized society would think that adultery is wrong? Wouldn't we expect that most people who read a post about two married women engaging in group sex with strangers would be disgusted by it? I am myself an unfaithful husband. But I would fully expect that most people in this world would be disgusted by my actions. I will not pretend otherwise. No one wants to be cheated on. So when people read the blogs of people who are doing the cheating, and who are describing said cheating in great detail, people are going to have strong reactions. What surprises me is that anyone, including Agnes and Kat, and the readers of this blog, would act as though those people are the ones with the problems. If you're going to tell people that you're cheating on your husbands, you have to expect that others are not going to like it. Plain and simple.

    But here's the thing: I personally wouldn't judge you for cheating. I do it too. I understand that sometimes situations arise that cause people to stray. You've both kida sorta tried to explain your reasons. But you two aren't just cheating. You're slutting it up something fierce. I mean group sex with strangers? Kat blowing a guy in the car and then fucking another one the same night? I've been with several married women. Beautiful, smart, professional, very successful women. A doctor, a couple of attorneys, a law student, and a professor, to name a few over the years. Not one of them would have engaged in the type of stuff you two do. They had too much respect for themselves. In fact, it was the respect they had for themselves that led them to stray. But they did it with class. They found a man with whom they had both a physical and mental connection, and had amazing sex and friendship. You two act like a couple of college girls who dropped out of school to do porn. So if I was going to judge you, which I suppose I am, that's where my judgment would fall. Have some self respect and show a little class.

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  9. Clearly Unfaithful, you did not read my blog either, I said "I judge myself everyday". I will not speak for Kat, but yes some of the activities we have engaged in are not ones I am proud of. We use this blog as an outlet or a release, to try to make sense of what we are going through. We are not bragging about what we have done. I think we choose to almost make light of it and laugh, because the alternative would be to cry. We would love to make that connection with someone, and we both have at least once; I am happy for you that you have been lucky to have found that on more than one occasion. We too are professional women (which I really don't believe is a measure of class!), and while yes at times through our actions we do lack self respect,for the most part we can hold our heads up high by our actions in our normal day to day lives. I have always said, it is like a double-life we lead. And Unfaithful, I never believed I would engage in these activities either, so do not be so sure your past lovers never have (us ladies are not always so forthcoming about all of our experiences, for fear of judgment by men like you...food for thought).

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  10. haha...I wasn't going to give the Unfaithful man the satisfaction of a response to his judgmental comments but I'm not the type of person to just let things go. I fully agree that my actions have for the most part been very slutty and believe me I'm not proud of the way I am. I agree that to some degree I am self destructing. Group sex??? That was a once in a life time thing that I can honestly I will not partake in again. It was a low point in my life. You can slam me and Agnes all you want but in the end adultery is adultery whether it is nasty or sweet and sensuous. 2 years ago I would of been the person frowning down upon the woman and men that were cheaters.

    Agnes is correct in saying that you have no idea what your professional, smart, classy doctor/lawyer/etc. woman are doing. They could be just as slutty as the two of us have been as of late. Believe me we were not always like this. I have had the emotional and physical connection with a few men but sometimes that is worse than what we are doing. When you replace feelings that you should be having for your spouse (and believe me my husband knows how much I love and appreciate him everyday) I think it is just as morally wrong as "slutting" around.

    So, continue on living in your delusion that you have perfected the art of adultery and leave the ones that have not alone. Comment all you want Mr. Unfaithful but I can assure you that your comments to us did not effect us in anyway. Agnes and I have always maintained that what we are doing is wrong and disgusting and we beat ourselves up each and everyday about it.

    So if you don't like what you read than move on!

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  11. Agnes and Kat:

    If you want to make that connection, it is yours for the taking. You are going about it the wrong way. Giving boob rubs in bars and blowing guys in their cars is very unlikely to result in a meaningful connection. I know attention is nice, but there are different types of attention. If you really want attention from a quality man with whom you can develop a connection, your actions are not likely to produce that result. Surely you must know this.

    Also, I did not suggest in my comment that you do not judge yourself. Perhaps you do. And I do not expect my comment to "affect" you or to change your behavior. It was simply a comment. Having said that, if you truly are not happy with your behavior, then perhaps you should listen to the negative comments and not simply pat yourself on your backs when people support you. Affairs almost always involve an ambivalence of emotion. But at least if you slowed down and didn't engage in such self-destructive behavior you could stop judging yourself on that level. You would free up much more of your energy to focus on a positive relationship.

    Finally, let me say this: Women have it much easier than men when it comes to cheating. All you have to do is make yourself available (either online or in the real world) and you will have multiple men who want to take you up on your offer. Judging by your posts, this something you already know. Men, on the other hand, and especially married men like me, have to truly seduce a woman with whom we want to have an affair. I'm sure I could have drunken hookups with the occassional married woman, but I choose not to. Since I will only have an affair with a married woman, it is even more difficult for me. Afterall, although many married women do cheat, they are still very much in the minority. Thus, in many respects, you have the world (of men) at your feet. Respect yourself and choose wisely.

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  12. Do I respect myself? Hmmmmmmmm yes, yes I do. I am an intelligent, beautiful (I know so vain), confident woman..and to some extent that is what sometimes drives me to put myself out there and have men give me attention. Have I made bad choices, absolutely. Do I need you to tell me I have made bad choices, absolutely not. Will I continue to make bad choices, probably..you know why? Because I'm not fucking perfect.

    I personally try to stay away as much as possible from the emotional attachment of the men I am with...Know why? Because my heart belongs to someone else. Sex is sex no matter where you are getting it from but giving my heart to someone else is a completely different story. I've been there..given my heart and sole to a man and I hated it, it made me feel worse becaue I knew that I wasn't giving my husband that part of me at that time.

    So again...go lead what you think your perfect life of adultery is and leave mine alone. No two persons are alike which is why I hate when people judge. I would never in a million years have judged you for your actions even if I was not having random sex with unknown men.

    With that said...wanna fuck?

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  13. I appreciate you not judging me, Kat. But if you had, I wouldn't have blamed you. Judgment is as natural as the desire to have sex.

    Nice touch at the end, by the way.

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  14. hmmm ..."nice touch"...I'll touch yours if you touch mine...oh, and I note, a little less wordy this time Unfaithful, did your hard-on get in the way of you typing on your keyboard?

    I know, I digress! I just couldn't resist! Have a great day Unfaithful!

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  15. Very clever, Kat. You're right about being less wordy. Unfortunately, I have work to do, so although I do actually enjoy this colloquy, I can only devote so much time to it. As for your invitation, I'm sure we'd have a good time. And truth be told, my cock is hard right now because I've been on google talk with a woman I've just started an affair with. We're meeting for lunch tomorrow (third date) and then it's on to our first hotel meeting. Wish me luck.

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  16. Mr. Unfaithful..I do wish you luck and hope that she rocks your world. And truth be told I hope that you follow our blog so that you can see that we really are not all that bad. In the end it is all about having fun through uninhibited, fantastic sex.

    Cheers..;)

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  17. See, everyone made up in the end . . . good work, everyone.

    XO

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