Thursday, July 29, 2010

Befuddled...Is that a word?

Okay, I had to re-read my blog posts to see where I left off! Well, suprise surprise, I have not not 'given it all up' upon my return from my vacation. While I had an amazing trip with my family, even had sex with my husband, I still desire the company of other men!

So just before I left, I got to spend a whole evening with French Guy ("FG") at Kat's place...I cooked dinner for Kat and FG and we shared a bottle of wine, then Kat took off for awhile to let us play (such a good friend). Anyway, it was wonderful to be naked and stretched out on a bed together. I told him that night it would probably be the last time I was able to see him before I left, and it was. So the day I left I called him and at the end of the conversation we said 'goodbye' but there was this odd hesitation. It was like we both had more to say...

Well we did, I got an email that I opened on the morning I flew out, and he professed his feelings and 'love' for me! So here I got into trouble for saying it to him that night I was drunk, and now he tells me on the morning I am leaving for a month! Great!! But I do care for him deeply and do want to tell him I love him, but it is such a confusing predicament as I also have no intention of leaving my husband to be with him and nor does he want to leave his wife for me (as far as I know...I mean his relationship with his wife is over, but he does want to stay for the kids). For me though, I have a good relationship with my husband (other than my dishonesty...eek and the lack of passion). I have no good reason to walk away, other than I am being unfaithful, and my husband likely deserves better. So what do we do with these feelings????

The whole time I was away whenever I could email him I did, I missed him so much! (not more than Kat though!) Every couple I saw kissing, I was wishing it were him and I. Every time my husband and I had sex, I was wishing it was FG and I. So we returned home on the Sunday, and I told my husband I needed to be with Kat (my lover!) to catch up, so over to her house I went and FG came over (again Kat is such a good friend), and I was shaking I was so excited to see him! It was also different now that our feelings were laid out on the table. It is like when I start thinking about him my chest becomes heavy and breathing shortened, what has he done to me! We have seen each other almost every day since I have returned home, last night we even scored some naked time at Kat's! These feelings are overwhelming.

And then there is Single Guy...he maybe sent me one message, if that. But since I have been back he has messaged a few times. He said he missed me a lot and is looking forward to seeing me. It is so different with him, we really like seeing each other, but there is no feelings of 'love'. There is no pressure or restrictions with him. In fact, he knows we are heading away on our girls' trip next week and he wants me to have fun and enjoy myself, whereas FG wants me to 'behave'. Single Guy says whatever makes me happy is what he wants for me.

So I here I sit with two different guys, who offer me two different things. One so easy, and one so loaded with feelings I have not had for a long time, but which scare the heck out of me. Oh, and a HUSBAND too! So what do I go and do...I call up Big (my first lover...simple, no strings, no emotions), and I go to his house the other morning and give him a blow job! And then, what do I do yesterday, I go and meet my soccer friend at his house (as we have talked about getting together for a long time, we have kissed a few times, copped a feel) and we give each other some mutual oral pleasures. Why, why, why would I do this???? How can I say I love someone and then do this? What the hell is wrong with me?!

And now, I am faced with a trip away with the girls and I have one guy almost encouraging me to have 'fun' and the other scared that I will and wanting me to behave...I would love to be able to go away and behave, but can I? And do I have to?

Can I just go away again? This time I would head to Switzerland though...mmmmm my Swiss Mr., and I would take Kat!

Bongiorno Everyone!

Agnes

Only Half

Monday, July 26, 2010

I am back....

Italy was marvelous...will post soon, as surprisingly my life didn't change, I come back to the same confusion I left with...shit, thought holidays were supposed to solve all your problems!

talk soon....in the meantime Kat will keep you entertained!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Much needed HNT

Where to start!!

So much to talk about but I don't even know where to start.

First off I guess I should tell you more about what has been going on with B and I. I have had the past 5 weeks to spend more time with him and every time we are together it is more and more amazing. We just got back from a two day get away and I'm filled with a lot of emotions that I can't wrap my head around. On one hand I am saddened and I miss him whenever we are not together but on the other hand I really want to see him make it work with his wife. Why is it that I want that for him and I am not thinking about what it would be like to have a future with him...well that is actually the only simple part of this. We are completely different people who lead completely different lifestyles. It is impossible for me to lead his and I'm pretty sure that he would be miserable in my world. Are we using each other??? Possibly. We may just be each others transition, his into understanding his marriage more and me into understanding how much I enjoy being without my husband.

The one thing that I can honestly say I am thankful for with B is that he has allowed me to see that my previous lifestyle (multiple men) is definitely not the way to go. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you that enjoyed reading about my adventures or misadventures I should say. However, it was not something that I was proud of. I understand why woman/men do it. It is an addiction of sorts and definitely fun and the more you do it the more you want it but the more demoralizing it is as well.

I know that B is not going to last forever but for right now he is what I want and I hope that we can continue our relationship without getting more attached than we already are.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Update

I had to delete some of my blog postings as it seemed the B was close to finding it. He now knows I have a blog and has assured me that he will respect my privacy. I now wish I hadn't deleted my entries but what's done is done. Nothing I can do about it now.

Agnes has been away on holidays in Europe for the past 3 weeks and I am missing her terribly. It sometimes amazes me how connected we are. It is so hard not having someone to confide in about all your dirty secrets.

I spent this past weekend with B and it was amazing. I have the bruises on my inner thigh to prove it. I know it sounds brutal but at the time it felt amazing. It is strange how this sweet introverted man turns into a dominant sexual beast. I love it!!! I have never been dominated like that. With other men I have always been looked upon to be the dominant partner. Feels good to be able lose control and let someone else take over. There is one little problem with that however. When I want something (like his cock in my mouth) I want it now and it drives me mad that he doesn't allow me that simple pleasure. Sometimes all I want is to give him an amazing BJ without me getting anything. I don't think he realizes how much I want that. I want him to let go and enjoy it and cum in my mouth. He rarely allows himself to do that though. It's like he feels he has to give me his hard cock and make me have multiple orgasms before he can let himself orgasm. Believe me I'm not complaining but sometimes I just enjoy giving him head and then cuddling afterwards.

I have tried to keep my emotions in check but no matter hard I try I cannot deny that I hold a special place in my heart for him. If I truly knew what love was....I would say that I do love him. But for right now I think I will just say that I adore him. Now with that said I am not delusional. It still is what it is (whatever that means). I still truly want him to sort things out with his wife and be content with her. I just really hope that we will forever keep in touch on a friendship level. I just can't imagine my life without him even it is just as friends.

Okay I do have other things going on but I will stop here and continue on at a later date.