Thursday, July 29, 2010

Befuddled...Is that a word?

Okay, I had to re-read my blog posts to see where I left off! Well, suprise surprise, I have not not 'given it all up' upon my return from my vacation. While I had an amazing trip with my family, even had sex with my husband, I still desire the company of other men!

So just before I left, I got to spend a whole evening with French Guy ("FG") at Kat's place...I cooked dinner for Kat and FG and we shared a bottle of wine, then Kat took off for awhile to let us play (such a good friend). Anyway, it was wonderful to be naked and stretched out on a bed together. I told him that night it would probably be the last time I was able to see him before I left, and it was. So the day I left I called him and at the end of the conversation we said 'goodbye' but there was this odd hesitation. It was like we both had more to say...

Well we did, I got an email that I opened on the morning I flew out, and he professed his feelings and 'love' for me! So here I got into trouble for saying it to him that night I was drunk, and now he tells me on the morning I am leaving for a month! Great!! But I do care for him deeply and do want to tell him I love him, but it is such a confusing predicament as I also have no intention of leaving my husband to be with him and nor does he want to leave his wife for me (as far as I know...I mean his relationship with his wife is over, but he does want to stay for the kids). For me though, I have a good relationship with my husband (other than my dishonesty...eek and the lack of passion). I have no good reason to walk away, other than I am being unfaithful, and my husband likely deserves better. So what do we do with these feelings????

The whole time I was away whenever I could email him I did, I missed him so much! (not more than Kat though!) Every couple I saw kissing, I was wishing it were him and I. Every time my husband and I had sex, I was wishing it was FG and I. So we returned home on the Sunday, and I told my husband I needed to be with Kat (my lover!) to catch up, so over to her house I went and FG came over (again Kat is such a good friend), and I was shaking I was so excited to see him! It was also different now that our feelings were laid out on the table. It is like when I start thinking about him my chest becomes heavy and breathing shortened, what has he done to me! We have seen each other almost every day since I have returned home, last night we even scored some naked time at Kat's! These feelings are overwhelming.

And then there is Single Guy...he maybe sent me one message, if that. But since I have been back he has messaged a few times. He said he missed me a lot and is looking forward to seeing me. It is so different with him, we really like seeing each other, but there is no feelings of 'love'. There is no pressure or restrictions with him. In fact, he knows we are heading away on our girls' trip next week and he wants me to have fun and enjoy myself, whereas FG wants me to 'behave'. Single Guy says whatever makes me happy is what he wants for me.

So I here I sit with two different guys, who offer me two different things. One so easy, and one so loaded with feelings I have not had for a long time, but which scare the heck out of me. Oh, and a HUSBAND too! So what do I go and do...I call up Big (my first lover...simple, no strings, no emotions), and I go to his house the other morning and give him a blow job! And then, what do I do yesterday, I go and meet my soccer friend at his house (as we have talked about getting together for a long time, we have kissed a few times, copped a feel) and we give each other some mutual oral pleasures. Why, why, why would I do this???? How can I say I love someone and then do this? What the hell is wrong with me?!

And now, I am faced with a trip away with the girls and I have one guy almost encouraging me to have 'fun' and the other scared that I will and wanting me to behave...I would love to be able to go away and behave, but can I? And do I have to?

Can I just go away again? This time I would head to Switzerland though...mmmmm my Swiss Mr., and I would take Kat!

Bongiorno Everyone!



  1. Agnes, sometimes I look back on our prior post and think...wholly shit we have come a long way. I told you this before and I know you understand what I'm talking about but I will say it again...enjoy the feelings you are feeling with FG but just remember not to lose yourself in the feelings. You might adore him but do you actually love him???? I think of you and FG all the time and I wish I could help with your confusion.

    As for our "girl's trip"....well we both know that nothing or no one can stop what we do while we are away....we could tell each other that we will make sure that we take care of each other but who are we kidding...hahaha

    Love you with all my heart...;)

  2. I agree with Kat. (I know it means a lot more coming from her than from me, since she actually knows you, but still; I second her opinion.)

    It's also interesting that while you're trying to sort out your feelings for FG, you went and had some fun with a couple of other guys. (Interesting because I can totally see myself doing the same thing. That is, if I had as many women interested in me as you have men interested in you.)

    Hell, I love my wife--but I still cheat on her. So if I end up loving one of my lovers, won't I still do the same thing?

    I won't advise you what to do on your trip, that's up to you. Go and do things, and then decide whether to tell FG; or be "good" (using FG's definition of "good," which obviously doesn't include the things you do with HIM), whatever you choose, you won't get any judgment from me. (And probably from anyone else, either.)