Monday, August 30, 2010

I did it!!!!!!

I went to my reunion and did not sleep with anyone!!!!!

I am not going to lie, I almost did...twice...but I didn't!!!!! The first night, it was after talk of taking care of some unfinished business with an old high school friend...but then we used our better judgment not to partake when there were too many 'witnesses', so I fell asleep watching porn instead!

And the second night, a nice young asian fellow, a reunion crasher wanted to take me to a hotel room...again, too many witnesses!

So while I maintained some self control, it did not prevent me from late night chatting with FG every night while I was away, or shall I say early morning!

Well I had a wonderful weekend away, partying with old was a nice escape from reality these days! If only we could be 17 again!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

...and then there was one!

Kat actually suggested the title, but it is true, believe it or not, I am down to one man...the man I love, that's right...I said it! The word 'love'...not sure what it encompasses, it just has come up inside of me and out my mouth...and he feels the exact same way! But unfortunately, soon there may be NONE!

This past week and a half have been quite rough. I think, well I know, partially as a result of my feelings for FG, I have been pulling away at home more than before. I have been going through this for the last couple of years as I have been uncertain about a lot of things - call it a mid-life crisis perhaps? I think I am hiding my introspective-ness (word?), but apparently it has been flashing like a neon sign! I won't go into full details, but bottom line is I have hit a wall, changes need to be made on the workfront and homefront (Kat thinks that the reason for my extra-curricular activities is based out of boredom, and that I need a focus or a hobby other then men! haha she just wants them all to herself, that is why...KIDDING!).

Anyway, the hub approached me last Friday, asking what was going on, even asked me if I was having an affair with a friend of mine (which I could honestly say I was not, mind you we had 'played' a bit, but that was one relationship I have kept under control as he is my friend first and foremost, and he does not need to mess with a girl like me!). Anyway, it really shook me up, as everything he was feeling was true and I could not be honest with him. I went to FG's that morning and climbed into bed and cried, as I could foresee that something was going to have to give, and that would likely be him, and he knew that too.

We have spent almost every day at his place since last Tuesday afternoon as his family is away right now, and since I dropped the news of my husband's concerns it has almost intensified our relationship, it's like we both know it has to end, but neither of us are ready.

Anyway by Sunday, I got a letter from my hub, talking more of his concerns and worries for our relationship. I wrote back on Monday (5 pages later), thinking I wrote a letter just sharing what was going on in my head, and what I thought our next step may be, never saying I wanted things to be over, but that I wanted to be able to work through our issues within our marriage. I did talk of separation but only generically, and in fact mentioned that it was not an option I thought would really work for us. Anyway, I got a phone call from him not long after I sent it and he was a mess! He was crying, he could hardly speak, he expressed he could not live without me...on and on...he was already out the front door! I was not even out of the bedroom!

Since Monday there had not been much time for discussion due to family committments etc I did speak to FG about all this as well. He has been a great comfort and actually very objective (almost too much so)! Tuesday was my birthday and I spent my morning with FG, it was amazing, he greeted me at the door and I think we made it to the kitchen before we were naked and on his kitchen floor! We did proceed to the bedroom and had an amazing time together. He even got me a birthday present (which makes me feel a bit awkward, not a great receiver of gifts), it was a very special birthday morning. We did not talk about anything, we just enjoyed the morning!

Yesterday morning was another thing...I showed up with my granny panties on with the intention of just talking, I knew we needed to talk. On Monday I was fully clear that I had to break things off with FG if I wanted to give my marriage a chance. By Wednesday, I decided I was not ready...yet! But did discuss that this was what needed to happen with FG...he already knew this. I told him I had to do it at my pace and he said he would agree to that. It is hard now cause we know we have to take a break (which may be permanent), and he is already pulling back (for me I know, and to protect himself), but it is so hard. I mean maybe once I throw myself back into my marriage and fully commit, it will become less difficult. But right now I just feel sad. I used that corny saying, 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, and if it doesn't it never was...' or something like that. Let the cards fall where they may, right?

So in the meantime, I had some other housekeeping to do! There was still Single Guy, who I knew would not be an issue. We love spending time together and the sex is wonderful, but we do not love each other. He has been clear from the very beginning that he would never pressure me and that whatever I wanted I could have! So we met yesterday on our rock near the sea...and had a picnic lunch. He knew I had something to say, he guessed last week that I was 'breaking up' with him. We ate and then I began to talk...and of course cry (like the baby that I am). He was amazing! He expressed he will miss me, he expressed how much he loved so many things about me, but that my happiness was first and foremost and that I needed to do this. He even predicted that my hub and I will reconnect and make things work (I wish I was as sure). He said he would be there for me in anyway he could be. I think we will stay friends for a long time.

Kiwi of course is gone (mind you he did message me yesterday)...relentless little bugger! All under the guise of being concerned for me, but I knew what he was after...muhahhaaaa!

Englishman is totally gone!

And then there was a meeting with an AM guy, someone I had been chatting with for some time, which was to take place tonite. It was going to be my last indiscretion (haha), but he fortunately cancelled this morning and I have to say it was a HUGE RELIEF...remember, I have a hard time saying 'no'! (part of what I need to work on!)

I also wound up another AM guy, someone who is moving here at the end of the month, and who has been sending me all sorts of stories and fantasies, quite entertain actually. He was very understanding of my need for 'space'.

And my last hurdle will be my reunion weekend which begins tomorrow night. Will I be able to make it through without a kiss or...we will see! I told my old friend that he has to keep me safe and out of trouble!

I am hoping on a positive note that the weekend will give my husband and I time to get in a better frame of mind, mostly him. He was so sad at dinner last night, he was having anxiety about paying bills etc (all the things that I do), I was a bit shocked once again, as my thoughts are to work on things not run away. But I do know it is likely just a defence mechanism, he is preparing for the worst. But I told him, we have no chance of success with that kind of attitude. But I also made no promises that it would all work out. I said we need to take this one day at a time (hmm familiar saying? lol). That is all I can offer him right now.

I have a counselling session booked next week, and we will see where that takes us! He too has agreed to go alone and with me. We have 25 years in, we need to do this! I want and need to do this.

P.S. then of course this morning, I was thinking, maybe there is a way for me to throw myself back into my marriage and have FG in my life (which of course FG would have to be okay with!). What's the saying, "have your cake and eat it too"...mmm I love cake!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The words have been said.

In the past month or so I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with B. The time that we spend together is so easy and fun. However, what I feared most, has happened. I love him. Although I have strong feelings of love for him I still am not confused about what our relationship is. I still believe that we are able to be really good friends with benefits. That is the kind of love I feel for of pure friendship. No not like I love Agnes, that is unconditional love. I care for him so much and want only the best for him and that is why I know I love him. I am not delusional about our future....there really is none. I can't imagine not having in my life in some form or another but I will completely understand if one day he decides that his marriage to his wife is more important than a friendship with me. I'm okay and prepared for that.

I told him recently that I loved him but not to confuse that with anything else but a love of friendship. He cannot return the words as I can only imagine he would feel that this is the ultimate betrayal to his wife. I'm not looking for him to reciprocate the "I love you" words as I already know how he feels about me without him telling me. It's in the way he touches me, looks at me, shares things with me but most of all the way he makes me feel when I am with him or actually not with him.

I realized when I saw him last that the sex has intensified since the first time we were together. Is it because it is sexually charged with emotions or because we have grown to know what each other's needs are. Whatever it is I am enjoying it immensely and really hope that this love affair doesn't end anytime soon.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Leave it to me...

So you may recall the Englishman??? Well guess what just found out?! He is a pastor!!!!! I think his struggles were more related to God than with his wife?

I may even have to start going to church again if this is the type of man that is coming out Christian Colleges and leading the congregations around town...heh this could be my new hunting ground!

Just a little 'ha ha' for the week, cause the rest of my week sucks...more to follow on that note!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Continued Confusion good thing today...I said goodbye to Kiwi, I needed to cut those ties (I know it may not be forever, cause I am such a weak individual, but I really would like it to be).

And it is my 21st wedding anniversary...I have been with my husband for 25 years! Now how does one celebrate with their husband, while they are seeing two other men (one of them I am love with I think)...

I am soooooooooo confused! Never did I see myself in this situation.

I knew I was 'stuck' generally in life (job etc), but now I am stuck between three men. And not wanting to give anyone up. I do not feel the passion with my husband but I see him in my life forever as a friend and even maybe a business partner. I have very strong feelings for FG, and feel like I want to commit to him in some way. And then there is my Single Guy, who I didn't even really like at first! He is easy to be with, he likes me for what I am, he always says he just wants me to be happy, he is great sexually (maybe the best ever, or second best to Swiss Mister), he is my safe place!

There is no point really to this post...just talking (or typing) out loud...sharing a little bit of what's going on inside of my head!

The Trip for Agnes

So was I able to behave? What do you think? I mean when we were all married, did we behave? And now two are separated? How did I stand a chance!

The first night we stayed in, phew!

Second night, no great picks in the bar unless you are into 21 year old skate boarders! I eventually did find a nice guy to chat with (one of the first things he asked was, 'are those real', to which I offered him a feel), in fact I almost chose to chat with him because he appeared 'safe' and very little chance of anything happening. Well, not safe enough! When Kat announced she was leaving with her hot young thing (the best pick in the bar), I grabbed my guy to come along too for a hot tub and a drink (not sure why? peer pressure?). So off we went, our friend L was flying solo, so being the good friend I am, we grabbed a friend of my guy's along the way to join us. When we got back to our condo, my guy and I jumped into the hot tub, I immediately stripped down but he was a bit shy and cautiously removed his clothing and climbed in. It was funny, I felt like the confident one this time. We made out in the hot tub, I sucked him off (a decent sized cock) and then we headed indoors and carried on with mutual oral pleasures, after all we were staying in Unit 69! He was nicely skilled, but I reached the point where I needed to fuck. We reached for the condoms and....NO GO! I guess a day of drinking and partying did not bode well for him and getting it up! In all honesty, I was kind of glad, for some sick reason it felt less like 'misbehaving' not having had done the 'deed' (and less guilt where FG was concerned).

Oh and my friend L, despite feeling like she was the fifth wheel, ended up sleeping with her guy. In the morning she came in and swore at me blaming me for it...I said to her, 'you could have just not slept with him and sent him home', I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT!

Third night, went home alone...and stayed up till very late chatting with FG online, which we did for the next two nights as well, which ended up in some very hot chatting and self pleasuring...

So I was thinking I was in the clear, just that one night, pretty minor...nothing happened night four, and then the fifth night came! The last night of the trip, the night we say we should just stay in and recover from the previous nights...the night usually poor decisions are made! But L was bound and determined to go out and find something really 'good', she was feeling like she had lost her touch! Kat was burnt out. She had spent a wonderful night and day with B, and really was not up to going out. But being the good friend that she is, she could see the desperation in my eyes that I needed her to come out, at least for a bit, cause she knew L was wound up. So off we went, ensured we were well lubricated (with vodka) before we left!

Night Five...into the bar we walked, it was locals night! And man, there was a fine selection of men. Everytime we went to the bar, a conversation was had with some guy or group of guys. Some guy bumped into me and apologized and I told him it was customary where we live to kiss to apologize, so up I reached (tall striking blonde haired man...boy lol), and planted a kiss, to which he responded with some pretty aggressive making out and some biting! hmmmm I wonder what my body would have looked like if I took him home that night?! Anyway, the night carried on, Kat made her exit after she knew we were well on our way to have fun. L immediately connected with a hot aussie boy on the dancefloor and I chatted with several guys, until a young guy decided to saddle on up to me at the bar. We danced and maybe even kissed (memory fuzzy). Next I knew, L was saying she was heading home with her guy, and my guy was quite interested in getting out of the bar as well. So instead of doing the smart thing and heading home, I went with him to his place. We rather quickly got naked and jumped onto the pullout couch...not much foreplay occurred, I got the sense this was not something he did very often it at all. And so we began to fuck and fuck and fuck, with no end in sight. Finally I paused, mostly from exhaustion, and he said, 'yah, I think I smoked too much pot and drank too much, not likely going to cum'...oh great! At this point, I am thinking why am I here and I need to get out of here...he went to the bathroom and while he was in there I put my clothes back on and snuck out of the room. Well great, I couldn't find my frickin way out of the hotel...I panicked and called Kat. She told me to stay where I was and she would come and get me; of course I didn't really know where I was. I got outside and told her I would walk home and while I was walking I realized I had left my purse in his room! Fek! So I had to go back in, try to remember what his room number was and what floor he was on...after knocking on a couple of doors, he opened the door and said, 'heh where did you go?'. I told him I just had to go but that I had left my purse. Before my departure, and not sure how it came about but I sucked his dick, and almost gagged, I think he had put some sort of cleaner on his dick! What the heck? Their bathroom was a sty but yet he was putting cleaner on his dick? I quickly said goodbye and got out of dodge! (and had to spit in the hallway, gross I know but I was poisoned!). Kat soon arrived to pick me up!

Meanwhile FG had apparently been texting me all night but due to where we were located, all weekend text messages were getting held up. I did not receive them! So when I got home I opened my email and there was quite an angry message from FG telling me I could have at least told him I was home safely etc and answered his texts. I finally got him online and after much convincing told him I never received them...although I was out being naughty I genuinely was not ignoring FG I just never got his messages. While I was chatting all of a sudden 10 text messages came through on my phone at 5 a.m., and so did a bunch of Kat's! He finally believed me! And of course the conversation ended up with us getting each other off. Just so you know I made it very clear to him that I did not appreciate him getting so upset with me.

As an aside and mental note, never masturbate while you have someone sleeping in the bunk above you, even if you think they sound like they are sleeping! OMG...Kat and I the next day went to the sex shop and I ended up purchasing a wee vibe, purse size, on the suggestion of Kat! As we were exiting the store she says to me, 'you could have used that last night', I laughed and said 'yes I could have' (smiling to myself, as I knew I had pleasured myself), but then I realized she had heard me! And I said, 'you heard me?', she said, 'oh yah and I wondered when it would ever end!'...thank goodness it was just Kat...but I was mortified nonetheless! And here I thought I was being so quiet!

So that is the trip for me...well the sexual activities part, which were kind of disappointing. Nothing will quite compare to my experience with Swiss Mr. last year, really very hard to live up to that. The rest of it was wonderfully relaxing and, as always, I enjoyed the time with my gals just talking about life, especially Kat's and my time in the hot tub with wine! I love that girl!


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Trip


Okay so to start off I have to say this to all you married men out there. If your wife wants to go on a get away with her friends be aware that nothing good can come of it unless it is a secluded women only retreat. I know you are all probably saying that you trust your wife/girlfriend and she would never stray but the saying "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" was invented for a reason and all men/women given the right amount of alcohol and presented with a hot body of the opposite sex will stray. It might not mean that they are having full on intercourse but they are getting attention and giving attention and at the end of the evening there will be something happening even if it is only a make out session.

Okay, okay, okay enough with the lesson on infidelity I need to tell all of you about "the road trip". We were really doomed from the moment we got into my car (Agnes, L and I). Our spirits were high and talk of what was to come was non-stop.

When we got to the hotel we were staying at there was mention of maybe going out but luckily B came on line to chat with us and we were distracted so in the end we made it a hot tub night with a lot of drinking. I was so hung over the next day that I wanted to die and couldn't imagine even going out the next night. the other two would let me get out of nothing going out on the town. So after a restful day we all got dressed in our CFM clothes and off we went. The night started off slow even though it was past 11:00 p.m by the time we got to the bar. We did our rounds and landed up on the dance floor. The men selection was pretty brutal...really young boys and nothing of interest at all. After a while though a hot young man (25...yikes) and I started undressing each other with our the matter of minutes we were on our way back to our place (just for a night cap...haha). We barely made it through the door...clothes flying off and into the hot tub for some passionate kissing and body rubbing. There is only so much you can do in a hot tub so with our bodies dripping wet we made it to the bed. This guys oral skills were amazing and although we had gotten the bed wet from getting in it with our wet bodies we most definitely added to the wetness as the night progressed. Two hours of hot sex...I was exhausted. He landed up spending the night and in the morning the girls came into the room to find a hot young stud in the bed. He was a good sport and indulged the ladies by walking to and from the bathroom completely naked. I think they were impressed.

I was not as lucky day two and would rather not even talk about it. Needless to say I was with another young hotty but this time wasn't as nice...why? Because his junk was nasty...ugh Nothing worse than a man that can't keep his cock nice and clean. Just the thought of it makes me want to puke in my mouth which is what I almost did....just couldn't even imagine indulging him at all. The only good that came out of this night was that I had a blast on the dance floor and I wish I would of just kept it at that. I should of noticed the time when I met the young stud (witching hour) and just moved on. Oh well such is life...I will chalk it up as a bad experience.

Saturday night though had to be the best. Not necessarily our night out (we were on a pub crawl)...but the end of it was amazing. To start off I was bound and determined not to attract any men so I wore what I thought would be the most hideous outfit to wear out (long sleeve button up shirt with a jean skirt and a hat. hahaha What girl wear's a hat out to the bar). Anyways when we got to one of our stops we located a group of men who were on a stag/bachelor party. The groom had a sign around his neck that required him to perform certain tasks. Well we felt sorry for him because he had nothing ticked off his list soooooooooo

1. Off come the panties (yep right there in the middle of the bar I'm taking the panties off)
2. There was some showing of the boobies;
3. We even let him rub his face in our cleavage

I think he was a happy boy at this point...

4. by the end of the night and a lot of tequila I lifted my skirt for him to see my never thought in a million years I would ever do that. ...okay who am I kidding..haha

Now this is not why the night was so awesome...earlier on that day I had started texting B to drive up (2hrs) to spend the night....I honestly did not think he would but at about 9 p.m. he sends a text saying that he is leaving and will text when he got there. I was so excited. By midnight he was picking us up at the bar...I was pretty wasted by this time and I am so thankful that he is so tolerable. But I did give him a BJ to make up for it followed with a great day of sex and site seeing with Agnes and L. He is an amazing guy and I am so lucky to have him in my life. He truly made my weekend.

Because B is so great I feel guilty when I continue on with my antics of fooling around with other men. We have never said we were exclusive and I have encouraged him to go out and meet other girls but it still feels wrong to some degree. What does this mean??? I care for him and I would never want to hurt him in any way...he has seen me through the worst of the worst of times and I will forever be grateful to him for that. I hope he realizes how much he means to me.

Although the weekend ended there for me as I was completely exhausted....Agnes and L managed to go out for one last night of drinking and boys....not sure how they did it but at 4 a.m. I was picking Agnes up at a different hotel (she can tell you more about that if she so chooses) and L was back at our place getting it on with a young man.

Oh the lives we lead. The road trip is done for this year and the planning for the following year has already started. Next year will be Agnes' year as her Swiss Mr. is hopefully coming back. So stoked for her.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Road Trip

Agnes and I are off on a road trip for the next five days...stay tuned for some crazy wild stories of our adventures (ummmmmm misadventures).