Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The addiction of infidelity

It starts with some innocent flirtation (marijuana), it’s fun it’s relatively safe and no one gets hurt. This can last for years until you are immune to that high and you are longing for more. This is when you turn to the kissing (acid, mushrooms). Again you are able to say to yourself that it is relatively safe and no one is really getting hurt. It feels good..that initial kiss when your knees go numb and your heart starts racing. It a great high. UNTIL even that is not enough and you have to turn to something way more hardcore like full on fucking (crack, meth, etc). This is the high that you are addicted to. You are always in search of your next “hit” so to speak. You do it once and there is no turning back...you are hooked. It feels so good during but when you are coming off the high you start to realize that it wasn’t as good or worth the risk that you put your body in (the "guilt"). You feel like a bag of shit, guilt mingled with shame. You feel dirty but yet after that initial feeling fades all you want to do is find a way to get your next “fix”. It starts to consume your every thought.
I got a taste of the drug and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted more, fill all the empty spaces inside me up with men.

There have been a lot of men in the media as of late getting caught for cheating on their wives and they admit to having a sexual addiction. To some degree I think this is a cop out for their actions. Sure it’s addictive but it’s not always necessarily the sex that we are addicted to. Men and woman are obviously very different but through many conversations with different types of men the one thing we all have in common is that we are “emotionally detached” from our spouses. Either there is no passion which leads to someone not wanting sex, or the attention is directed at other obligations such as children, jobs, etc. Yes sex is a big part of adultery but there are other components that make it more of a draw.

And that is the true addiction of adultery. Getting the attention from someone else other than your spouse. Someone that doesn’t have a vested interest in your future. Sure they might be saying the things they are saying just to have sex with you but for one reason or another, that’s okay. One event that plays over and over in my mind is when I was in a hotel room, waiting for my “lover” to arrive. I hear the door open but I don’t move, I’m laying on the bed, fully clothed, and he comes in and lays beside me and wraps himself around my body. The feeling of him next to me, his smell, his touch, his words “I couldn’t get here soon enough”. That is what I craved over and over again after he left. To know that someone can’t wait to be with you.

Throughout my time as an adulteress I have tried to stay as emotionally disconnected to the men as much as possible. Kept telling myself that “it is what it is”. But try as I may I just couldn’t do it with all of them. I needed them and they needed me just as much. Whether we were together once, twice, or for a long period of time, we shared something together that no one understood.

I'm not an expert so I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on this subject...good or bad experiences, highs and lows, etc. What makes you want to do what you do? Do you feel that it is an addiction?

9 comments:

  1. I am pretty sure it is an addiction. I have always compared my actions to crack useage, right from early days with Big. It was like with every taste, I wanted and needed more...I needed my fix. I would even express that to him (which he did oblige). But then of course even he was not enough and I continued to seek out more and more 'crack'.

    While I am currently trying to 'rehab' I can feel the draw again. Despite my efforts to rekindle with the hub and my love for FG, the draw of other men wanting me and pursuing me (and yes, Kiwi is back knocking at my door, along with Single Guy and a couple AM dudes, oh and another friend), is building and building...thank goodness I have Kat to keep me strong and say "AGNES" (she is almost as good as the dog whisperer Ceasar what's his name!). In some ways, I think, I hope I can stay strong and resist, but in a lot of other ways I want to just say 'fuck it' (and fuck them) and go with the feeling, afterall it is no as BAD as CRACK, right?!

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  2. Oh Agnes if only I could just put you on a leash all would be good. Although you might start to bite ...LOL

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  3. While I don't have as many suitors as Agnes ( I blame it on my geographical location!) - I have to agree. I just told Agnes today that had I had all those boys after me - I would have given in but yet its easy for me to sit here and be dedicated to HTA b/c I see him so sporadically. And then - low and behold - AM Guy resurfaces and he's got my attention b/c after rall - its immediate gratification and HTA is 3 weeks away! It is the attention that hooks us...I have an excuse right?

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  4. I agree... and I don't. The sex we have--even the one-off's--is more than just getting our fix. Just because we have to do something, doesn't make addiction a good metaphor--I need to breathe and I need to eat, but I don't think classifying those activities as addiction is a helpful category.

    Humans have a need for intimacy, physical and emotional. It's not surprising that people who don't get it at home look for it elsewhere, and neither is it surprising that some people want more, even if they DO get it at home.

    But I'm not disagreeing either. Like any drug, we want more and more and more, and I'm seeing the effects of my addiction too.

    At the time I wrote this, I'd started exchanging emails with someone on AM. I had a lunch meeting planned with a very sexy friend and potential lover. (There might be more potential in my mind than in hers--that's neither here nor there.) I was flirting online with a woman who's too far away to fuck--much to both our regret.

    And I was thinking that even typing the word "fuck" can get a reaction out of me, these days, in my highly eroticized state of mind.

    And even now I want to turn this comment into some kind of a blatant come-on, because I've seen your HNT pics and I think you're hot. (It would mostly be in jest, though, since I don't even know where you live. hehe)

    How much of this behaviour is self destructive? We WANT to tell ourselves that it's fine--as long as we don't get caught. But I'm sure there are other adverse effects on us, even if we don't. (There HAVE been days when I've done less work than I should have--although usually I'm good with multitasking.)

    I probably should end with some kind of conclusion, but I don't have one.

    Do you want to come to Toronto and do me? :D

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  5. AL the reason that I use addiction as a metaphor for what we do is because it isn't a "need" per say but a "want". You need to eat and breath to survive but you do not need to have sex. You will not die without it (although at times I feel like I want to die if I don't get it) as you would if you deprived yourself of food and water. Any type of intimacy is something that we WANT and we crave it.

    Can you disagree that you get a high from being with someone?

    Anyways AL...wouldn't it only be fair to see a picture of yourself before trying to lure me cross country? :)

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  6. Wait... you mean just asking for sex isn't good enough? You're not getting in your car right now and heading here, stopping only for condoms and lube? Huh. I was so sure that would work... :P

    I definitely agree that there is a high from being with someone. Even that lunch I mentioned (previous comment) gave me a high, and there wasn't even kissing involved.

    I even agree with your extending the metaphor to include stronger and stronger drugs. After all, I've been thinking about trying rougher sex, and maybe some other things. It used to be that I was just after sex with many women; now I seem to be gravitating toward more. The old drug isn't satisfying me like it used to.

    Like I say, I'm not disagreeing. The only thing that makes me hesitate is... I think that to a certain extent sex (or, more specifically, intimacy) IS a need. Not in the same way water and air are, but intimacy is a human need. But maybe that's more of the reason why we get hooked on the drug in the first place?

    Actually, that fits in with the metaphor too. I'm sure a lot of people try drugs because there is something--often intimacy--missing from their lives.

    The biggest drawback from the drug metaphor, though, is that any time I hit on you I feel like I'm feeding your habit, like a sleazy pusher. :P

    I should shut up, and stop filling up your comments. :)

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  7. My very own blog whore...what's wrong with that???? hahaha

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  8. Well... I have nothing else to say, Letch did all the work for me!! Isn't he sweet or what?? ;)

    In my case, it is definitely the attention, the emotional attachemenet, feeling wanted and craved by someone else.

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  9. As humans as nature intended we are naturally wanting different people to have sex with it keeps the spices strong.


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    Mark

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