Friday, April 15, 2011
This is a never good feeling for me, cause then I usually want to engage in self-destructive behaviour (which I previously called, 'just having fun') aka want to fuck a random person to escape!
I am very frustrated this week with FG and his situation at home. There is no improvement just tales of endless passive-aggressive texts and him indulging them. And it is their anniversary today and of course, he didn't book the day off, he told the girls he was taking her for dinner (which is a lie) and so on and so on in her text messages...but yet she cannot even meet him for a coffee, the olive branch he extended today...oh ya, she said she would do coffee...at 2 p.m. knowing he works at 2:30 p.m. I think she is seriously crazy! So then I ask myself, do I want her in my life forever?! Because if he ever did leave her and him and I had a relationship in the real world, she would be there and she would likely be ten times worse! I asked him if I could just call her today and tell her to fuck off...grrrrrrr I am frustrated with her but really I should be equally as frustrated with him, and I am, because he continues to put up with this crap and won't take a stand. And again, do I want to be with a man who cannot take a stand?
And did I mention him and I need to fuck and it has been since last thursday in the car, and who knows how long since we have been fully naked together and in a bed, and no hope for such encounter in the near future. I am going completely mad! I his touch soooo bad. I need some intimacy, I am craving him.
And the undertone to all of this is my husband and I, who actually communicate very well, are the two considering separating to see if we can get back to each other, and I can "find myself" so to speak. This has been very stressful on both of us. Both of us questioning if this is the answer to where we are currently at. I told him I do see him in my future, but cannot promise him it is as a husband. I see in his face every day now the stress and pain I am causing him. I really don't know how I got here, but I am here and feel compelled to go through this process as hard as it is for everyone involved. I feel so many emotions - embarrassment, I feel like a failure, I have fear of being on my own, on the practical side - financial concerns, uggghhhh...
And so because of all of this, I am tempted to take Big up on his invite tomorrow morning, I really shouldn't, I don't really want to, but something just takes over when I am in these moods...and I am considering sleeping with AM English fellow on Tuesday. Just easy emotionless sex...that will leave me feeling guilt ridden where FG is concerned. I hope I talk myself out of it before it happens.
Sorry a bit all over the place today but my head is spinning. Happy Weekend everyone!