Friday, June 17, 2011

Roller Coast Ride

I have never liked roller coasters, and cannot say I am enjoying the roller coast of life much more - my stomach is actually taking issue as a result! Zantac is my friend!

Further to my post "Moving Day" and my sabbatical from my marriage, well that is what the original pitch was, about a week before I moved out and I had to confess "an" infidelity (I coughed up ONE, a nameless one). It was funny (not really) but my hub said he would rather have heard that I was having an affair (which of course I was/am???) then to have known I spent a night with some dirt bag (which of course there have been many, some of them nice gentleman ha ha). I know I am cracking jokes about this...I really am not taking this all lightly but humor has always helped me get through difficult situations. Don't worry many tears and nights of beating myself up have also occurred! Anyway, as a result of this confession, my plans to move out were fortuitous in some respects as we definitely needed this break now to sort things out and allow him time to digest what a Ho, this woman he loved may be. He was very angry and hurt and rightly so. Anyway, before I moved out we were able to talk it out. I did not beg for forgiveness, as the intention of my move out originally was to rediscover myself and see if I could reconnect with my hub and I stand by that and was not going to veer off course due to this discovery and the further hurt I caused. But I needed to convince him of that, and I did ask him not to look at my actions as being representative of who I am, but as something I was going through at the time and that I am working toward coming to a better place with myself and with him. He is willing to grant me that time and opportunity, of which I am most grateful and very lucky. Both of us know there is no guarantee as to what will happen. But neither of us are just willing to walk away either. He has admitted his uncertainty that he may never be able to trust me again; he said some days he misses me, and some days he hates me. I wish I could admit to him that I am not sure I can ever trust myself again either. It is almost a feeling of unworthiness for such kindness and love and support he has offered me. Which I have, by living this "secret life", completely disregarded and disrespected all of that.

Actually since I have moved out, my hub and I are communicating so much better. I even look forward to seeing him, whereas before I almost dreaded coming home. I have to handle this all with caution though because I have had moments where I feel like just jumping back in or can see myself back at home...but I have not even been on my own one month yet, and I have much work to do still. Plus, initially I held the cards as it was supposed to be my time of self-discovery, but he actually holds the cards in that he has to decide whether he wants me back, whether he can he trust me again, and can he overcome this infidelity - that reality just came to me the other day! That's right, this is not ALL ABOUT ME! I know, I am a bit slow!

Then there are days, and I have more and more as time has gone on, I see myself on my own and feel at peace with it, almost calm. I see myself having built back up a good "working" relationship with my hub but not going back as husband and wife. I told Kat at lunch today, I want to get to the point that I am okay with being on my own, or I want to be 100% committed to a relationship, whether it be with my husband or someone else (I gave that as an answer in a response to a question about whether my hub and I could ever have an open relationship, something at one time I considered but now I know I could never do - I would like open as in honest but that's it). I don't want to put myself in the position I got to in my marriage, where I think I became trapped and bored among other things. I told her that I want any future relationships to be "term relationships" 5, 10 or 15 years...with an option for renewal or discharge...maybe some refinancing (would that be comparable to a threesome or open relationship, an addition of sorts ha ha).

And then the other part of the roller coaster, the biggest dip and stomach dropping part...FG! I spent nearly every day of this past year (okay I had some diversions I admit) trying to see, talk, text, email, fuck my beloved FG. Everything good and bad, happy or sad (are those lyrics?) were shared with FG (okay Kat too, my other lover). WE talked about a future together, not fully committing but entertaining the idea that at some point if we were out of our marriages we would give it a try. WE never asked each other to give up our relationships for each other, although I am sure there were a few times it was implied. WE actually were getting to the point, well I made the first move in moving out, and he was going to be concentrating on trying to sort out his marriage and committing 100% to his family, so we discussed easing off on our relationship. WE knew we could not go cold turkey, it just wouldn't work. We have been so reliant on each for support so to cut if off completely would be just too difficult. So we talked about not sleeping together anymore and just being there to talk to each other. So we were doing that and it was working. Then just before I moved out, I got a call...he had to talk...his wife busted him! So the option of him taking his time to figure out how to get out of his relationship was taken from him. For him in many ways, this was his only way out, almost an easy way out...the difficult part though is the kids (I won't go into details here but needless to say that was always the biggest factor and still is). There is much going on at his end, so he had an immediate need for me when the initial "outing occurred" and here I was living on my own, ready to take him into my arms...and I did of course (as my need was just as great). So we spent a week of sleeping together practically, initially it was raw sex, by the end of the week there were emotions filtering back, ones that he had turned off but was turning back on (he even used my nickname, which had not been used for a bit), the word "I love you" did not filter back in though. He even spent a night, a whole night...and then NOTHING! He shut off again! I am not blaming as I am equally to blame I should have been the stronger person not to allow this happen but I wanted him. The next few days of messages were few and far between and cold and unfeeling toward me. He had decided that he could not have me in his life because he had to deal with the fallout at home (not in reconnecting with the wife, but mending relations with his kids). I understand he has to do this. I have to do this if I want to rebuild my relationship with my husband. But I was not being forced to do it, he was, so the transitioning for me is more difficult. It made me start to question is what we had "real", maybe his feelings were not as deep as mine, but I thought they were? And so on and so on...all of the insecurities were pouring out of me. I felt like I wanted to beg and plead him not to let me go, but I couldn't do that, plus I can't have him either.
I mean with FG I feel like he turned off his emotions because he had to, so that left me holding the bag so to speak of all of the emotions for both of us...that is a lot to carry! Soooooooo messed up! One day I am crying on Kat's shoulder , and then the next she hears I have had FG over, I now feel like the "boy who cried wolf". I came to terms yesterday it was over and talked with FG about having a "last supper" so to speak. Then I talk to him on the phone last night and we are talking like the good friends we have become, and then he asks me to go on a day trip with him. I have not decided what to do, I know I shouldn't go, and he knows he shouldn't have asked me. I would set some ground rules, one being that we go as friends, but even at that I couldn't tell my family I am going away for the day with FG, I would have to concoct a bit of a story. Kat reminded me that one of my goals is to stop lying, so who would I be lying to to go on this trip. Well technically I don't have to tell anyone where I am going as I am living on my own. The thing is I do want to stop lying...am I there yet? Obviously not. And when will I ever be there? I don't know. And the other issue is, if I do go on this trip, when we return, he will likely pull away again, and I will probably be hurt again. I just wish we could fast forward in life to get us over this kind of stuff. Can I not have a "last road trip" instead of a "last supper" ...but I likely know it will not be the "last" of anything for some time. I don't think it is possible to just turn something completely off, how can you? Heck I still get butterflies thinking about my first boyfriend!

Anyway, this has all been very interesting and I am thankful for having such supporting friends and people to talk to (some know of my wicked ways, a lot don't), especially when I wallow in self-pity. I will find my way, and I will one day make good healthy decisions, I am pretty sure I am capable. I just need to believe that I am. I have made some good steps forward, probably more stumbling backwards, but I hope to rectify that in time, where I am keeping an even keel forward.

Happy Friday everyone...have a wonderful weekend!

No comments:

Post a Comment