Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I can't, or shouldn't write FG...I told him I would respect his space, so I must right? But this is soooo hard. About three times tonite I started writing an email, one to tell him I missed him, and the other two were just messages about information I wanted to share with him regarding my personal development path...it was almost a reflex to want to share with him, as he has been a part of that journey, he has been one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters...but I surprisingly I was able to delete before hitting send! I can't do that to him right now (or to me), he asked for his space...and I have to respect that.
More importantly, I need to be okay with being on my own and learn to be my own cheerleader, and believe in myself, and not always seek outside affirmation. FG has always said that to me, "be strong and do this k...you are stronger than you think...you can do this on your own...do not lose your focus"
...I still miss him...
Seriously I think I may have a split personality...
So here I write about my love and troubles with FG and my confusion with hub - pretty serious stuff and all consuming of my thoughts. But a midst those thoughts I also cannot stop thinking of a very fine man Friday night when out with the girls, who just happened to message me on FB while on vacation with his daughter! (clearly I am on his mind as well?!)
He approached me Friday night and we ended up chatting and even had a kiss (which was amazzzzzzinnnggggg - what he was doing with his tongue, I can only imagine when transferred to the right place, what it would do to me!). He did invite me back to his place that night for wine and ??? but I was out with friends, and one in particular who does not know of my wicked ways, and in all honesty I was not wanting to "cheat" on FG, or further cheat on my husband for that matter (I know that is hard for some of you to believe!). I am just really trying not to clutter things up...but the draw for this kind of attention is so strong for me still. And because it is, I wonder if I will ever be able to stop?!
And then there is sweet Swiss Mister! He will be here in 34 days!!!! (he has started the countdown) It has been two years since I saw him last but yet we both still have this incredible desire to see each other. Kat and I laughed this morning, she said it really is quite amazing how he has stayed in touch...I said "I know, I can't even keep the local ones" (of course referring to FG, as we know Kiwi and Big are still circling!).
How can I be so torn up about FG and dealing with a real issue like my 22 years of marriage that is in limbo, and then entertain thoughts of being with these other guys? Who does that? It's like there are at least two parts of me...like the dinner and dessert stomach! I have never been able to resist DESSERT!
Maybe this is just me, and is yet another reason for me not to be married anymore. At least if I am not married, I am not cheating or lying...but the thing is I am getting OLD...how long will people be attracted to me...my frickin' boobs are starting to sag...I guess I could start going for older men? ha ha...
So many more temptations coming for me too, I have a mixed soccer tourney soon with lots of boys!!! Some of whom have already expressed they want to get with me...add alcohol and I am theirs!!!! When will I ever be able to say "no"...I have been saying some "no's" but it is hard, there is this struggle inside of me, it is insane! Insane = Sybil (for those of you unsure of the reference to Sybil...just google!). I want to start doing the right thing, the thing that makes me feel good.
p.s. ...and still no further word from FG....
at 10:52 AM
Monday, July 25, 2011
Screw the term "sideways" that Kat always uses, I am "upside down" and not quite sure how to turn myself back up!
August is fast approaching...two months into the living on my own thing, and I feel no further ahead than when I started. Tears continue to be shed, feelings shared, but where is this all getting me????
My husband continues to profess his undying love and commitment to me, no matter what. Of course he also expressed some anger too, and particularly on Saturday night after I had been out the night before (asking when going to the bar was going to get old, essentially saying, when was I going to grow up...and telling me I am making poor choices by continuing to go out to the bar with Kat and friends). I don't know about all of you, but if someone tells me I shouldn't be doing something, I am not overly inclined to stop. And the crazy thing is, I have not been going out and partly because I do not really enjoy it much anymore. Which is a realization I am coming to on my own, and not from being berated by someone to stop. This is one confusing thing for me with respect to my husband, he claims to love me and wants to be with me etc but by these sorts of comments it seems he has little respect for my friends and how I live my life at times. Why would he want me in his life like this?
And then there is FG...after last week, he went underground again. I tried to get in touch to find out how his couples' counselling had gone, and he kept putting me off, "I'll email you k"...and no emails ever came. So after a rough night on Saturday (I essentially left a bbq on my own without really telling the hub, I think he thought I had gone off the deep end...okay I admit, I was dipping my toes!); I woke up early Sunday morning feeling so hurt and angry with FG. He had sent this lame ass email to me Saturday, which is part of the reason I fled the bbq. He was not being respectful of me as a friend or a lover. So I released an arsenal of text messages (real mature I know, but that is how he is used to receiving communications from his crazy wife, and he responds to those!). Half of it was crazy, half of it was honest and real...essentially I told him to let me go...and that his treatment of me was very disrespectful, among other things. I finally get a response saying "Whoa..." He finally admitted he had been acting like a dick, and treating me unfairly...he finally admitted that he is having trouble reconciling his wife's new found efforts in wanting to reconcile and his feelings for me (he finally admitted he has feelings!!!!), and that it is not fair for me to be on the side etc And that he has just been wanting to hide. I told him he cannot hide. Anyway, he agreed in the end that it was good to "speak" to me (no shit!!!).
He ended up coming by after work last night. We talked more in depth about the wife and how she has been putting the cart before the horse and desperately wants him back. It is not sitting right with him and he is trying to put the brakes on. But I can see his internal struggle as he also wants to get back to his kids. And the two are intermingling and once again he is losing his sense of self. I asked him to promise me he would not go back until he could honestly see a life with her as a "husband" not just as a father; and that would include wanting to be intimate with her and her wanting the same. Which of course he cannot even image at this point in time, if ever again. Once again, in person, he could not openly say how he felt about me, he did ask me not to wait for him, he did not want me to put my life on hold for him. I told him I would not. But I also told him that if at the end of the day we are on our own, and we still have deep feelings for one another I would be open to pursuing that option. I have not let go of my marriage either so I am in no position to offer myself up to him; I may choose to reconcile. We talked about making love but he feared by doing so, and then leaving me indefinitely it would hurt me. I told him I will make that choice for myself and that I wanted to be with him as much as he did. We did make love and it was raw and passionate and while no words were spoken the touches and the unspoken words were clear...neither of us WANT this to end, but we know we have to take a break (...again). We lay together holding one another, neither wanting to let go. He finally got up to get dressed. We held each other again...and then he handed me a key, he just held it up and I looked at him and said "I won't take it!" and then I teared up (I had actually been holding it together up to this point). I don't want it, he can toss it if he wants but I am not ready to accept the key back. He just said "okay..." and put it back in his pocket. I told him I loved him and that I only wanted the best for him, and I told him I was unsure what I was supposed to do with these feelings. Then I asked him, what next (I always need to know where I am going...), and he simply said, "I will email you at the end of the week", he asked if he could tuck me in, or if I was going to walk him to the door. I opted for the door. We said goodbye...
I thought I would go back to bed and bawl my eyes out, but I didn't! I remained calm and accepting. He needs this, I need this...as hard as it is if I truly love him and RESPECT him, I have to let him do this; without my influence. I need this for myself too more than anything, and I know he is doing it as much for me as he is for him cause he knows he is stronger that way, he knows I will never say no to him. So of course I had to send him an email this morning...just one, reiterating some points I made to him about this kids and wife that I thought might be helpful and then I wished him a good week and said talk to you later this week. I hope he comes through, I hope I do hear from him at the end of the week. Fortuitously I am going away this weekend with my daughter so it extends the distance naturally. I guess I will just have to see what happens for him and for me.
Just so dang difficult and full of emotions, I wonder when things will be calm in my head again. When I will just live my life and not be thinking 24/7 about him and what to do about my husband etc etc...I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, and I am not sure if it is time that will help me do that. I need to just start making choices and trust in my choices, and realize whatever choice I make will be the right one....what really is behind Door #1? FEAR is such a debilitating thing...time to let go of fear and take a step! Well another one...
I wasn't going to blog about this, cause I am starting to feel like am repeating myself..okay I am, but I find it helps to write it out to gain some perspective. And it is always nice to get some objective comments here and there (even subjective ones are welcome too, you know who you are!).
Friday, July 15, 2011
I was Facebook stalked! I maybe did that once or twice in search of a one-nighter...but never have been the recipient!
But today was the day...full moon and all! I saw I had this message on FB saying "hey did I meet u at THE BAR on friday I didn't have my phone.....I could be wrong" and then after I said I didn't fully recall our interaction, he said "haha we were going to exchange numbers but I didn't have my phone...still waiting for PHONE CO to fix mine....anyways we should hang out sometime if you want if not that's cool too we had a good night."
Too funny, considering I only remembered (well thanks to my friend reminding me) that I had even met him ha ha. I had a vague recollection but then he disappeared but apparently he had been trying to get me to go to another bar! And guess what, he is all of 27! That seems to be the magic number for me! His comment "...I'm 27 not that young really."
Well I am sort of separated, and he is not looking for anything serious, should I give him a go?! When he said he was not wanting anything serious, I said "Oh I want to marry you!", and he responded "I don't think you want that". This is cracking me up! Just the comic relief I needed for a Friday afternoon when I don't feel like working!
Not a bad Friday actually, I had a coffee date with Big (a business meeting actually), and successfully kept it above board. He did make a comment when we departed that "he wanted to grab my ass and tits and fuck me", but I just smiled and said, "talk to you soon!". Kind of nice being able to say "No"...oh and I got my weekly message from Kiwi, offering up his services one again, and asking if I changed my mind!
Anyway, have a good weekend everyone! Go have some sex! (and don't forget to write about it!)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I may as well carry on from my comment on Adam's blog post today (http://marriedmanadventures.blogspot.com/2011/07/get-busy-livin-or-get-busy-dyin.html).
I have been doing pretty good...living on my own for a month and a half. Announced to my hub yesterday that I have extended my rental until the end of October, to which he was visibly choked up to hear. I explained once again, that I am not ready to come back yet, and it is not fair to come back and live as we were; he understood, or said he did. But I know this hurts him to no end. In fact just prior to that he said how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me and how I still make his heart flutter when he sees me. To which I cannot reciprocate that sentiment, which makes me feel shitty.
So while my confidence is increasing in the decision I have made to take this time for myself, I face these small obstacles which cause me some sadness and guilt, especially the one that has been consistent for me for which I never talk about and that is - missing my kid like mad. In most situations the dad leaves, not the mom - what kind of mom would leave her kid. And while my kid and I have a great relationship, and I received the support of my kid to find happiness. I know my kid feels abandoned. How could you not?! My kid expressed this sentiment today, and while I knew it was there, it is hard to hear it. It made me even think, "Fuck it, I just have to move back, I cannot do this anymore to my family"...but I can't, how can I just go back? How would that work? "Hi honey, I am home!" I still don't feel any connection to this man other than as a friend, I cannot even imagine having sex with him...there really is no way to go back yet. I would have taken my kid in a heartbeat but we are both good parents to our kid (with the exception of this), and how could I decide that it is more important for our kid to be with me. I would never do that to my hub. Leave him and take his kid?!
This is the one thing that makes me question what I have done. But I am doing this for everyone right? Not just me? Is this not a life lesson to my kid? Will this not make us all stronger and happier in the end? Or am I just delusional and being a selfish biotch!
I also want to reference Jonathan's comment on Holly's blog post, http://hollyinwonderland.blogspot.com/2011/07/coming-clean.html, where he suggested to Holly after she talked about working at a re-connection. He said if you are having to work at it, it is probably best to let the hub go now (or something to that effect). And I feel I am in that similar boat. I have left under the guise that this time may allow us the opportunity to re-connect. But I cannot even envision that; nor do I truthfully want to make much of an effort. Setting up a date, seems so forced. I am starting to feel like I need to just let go, and see what happens. So cliche like but really the alternative of forcing things creates a pit in my stomach. What I should have told the hub the other day is, "let's separate and see where things go", instead of opting for the wimpier answer that I have extended my stay for another couple of months...then what????
So do I yank the band-aid off now, or continue to slowly and painfully pull it off?
at 3:01 PM
Friday, July 8, 2011
It is here...the week's end...thank goodness! It has been a long week (work-wise and life-wise).
Well tonite I will be going out with a group of ladies, it has been forever that I have gone out for drinks and on the town. We are starting with dinner and then who knows where the night will take us. I must say I am a bit nervous. One, it has been awhile; and two, I am sort of single (separated but not fully, call it what you may). I just don't know what to expect, especially because I plan on having a few drinks. The last few times have been okay because I have not drank much or at all, often offering to be the designated driver. I guess I am not sure I fully trust myself with drinks, in the past obviously I did not care...but my mindset is quite different these days. Kat and I joked this morning about how we were literally a couple of walking "penises" or "clits". Kat even said we should have just hung up a sign saying "open for business", and then I laughed and said, "no sign was required...it was obvious what we were looking for". I really don't feel I am there anymore, but then again I have not been out in a social situation for some time, so there is a bit of anxiousness. Am I stronger and more secure in myself not to seek out that attention? I have cut out my extracurricular activities with Kiwi and Big...and other randoms that surface every now and again. But those decisions were made sober. And perhaps I just won't be putting out that vibe anymore, as I am not seeking that attention anymore. Well I guess I won't know till I try it...wish me luck!
Just as an update on my situation. I am a month and a half into my "sabbatical" and I am feeling really good about being on my own. While my husband is proud of me on many fronts, it also leaves him sad and confused. Last week we had a talk where I expressed my thoughts on the ideal relationship, being together but living apart. That way all those annoying habits don't get in the way of what's important in a relationship. As usual, it takes him a day or two or a week to mull things over and this week he expressed to me that he is having a tough time with the uncertainty of the duration of this separation and expressed that a reconnection seems so far away if there ever is one. He said he is very confused and hurt by this state of limbo, and said he doesn't think he will ever be happy again. He said he never wants to force me into a relationship that I don't want to be in and could not bear for me to come back out of guilt and not because I miss him or want to be with him. I had said to him he may have to accept the new Agnes, if we are to be together again, but he struggles with that and what that may entail i.e. being together but apart. He said he signed up to grow old with me and share everything together. He even mentioned the word "Divorce". I do completely understand where he is coming from. I am the same way about certain things, I want an answer now. I want to know what will be happening next. I like a plan! But in recent months, when I embarked on this journey, I realized that for me I can only live day by day. But I cannot expect him to do the same, and so I realized I may just have to let him go; for his sanity. And then let things take their course. I can honestly say today that while I love my husband (which I have not been able to use those words relating to him for some time), I do not feel I can be his wife right now. I enjoy his company when I see him now. We have met as a family for breakfast, last night we met at our local market for dinner, but there is no desire for me to go home with him. This week before he heads off for some vacation time, I plan on telling him I am extending my rental term with my landlord as there is no way I can go back at the end of August - and we need to discuss letting go. I want to do that for him; and I know I should be doing that for me too. I hate finality (obviously, as you can tell by my actions with Kiwi, Big etc), I cannot remember if I posted this already, but my counselor said I am a "hoarder" and I truly think I am! A hoarder of men and friends and GUILT, whether it is healthy or not.
I do feel I am evolving and changing inside, I am starting to feel a calmness. When I wake up in my own place - I feel at home.
On the FG front, well we are still seeing each other. And again, I am changing my attitude towards that relationship, mostly for self preservation and mostly due to the reality of it. We both continue to need and want each other; we have both expressed that. Some days I feel as though he might be using me (mostly because he cannot express in words his feelings for me right now) but then again I am using him too in a lot of ways. Some days I think I deserve to hear how he feels about me, but then realize that is unfair because if he asked the same question of me I would not be able to give him a response. While I enjoy his company and our physical connection is undeniable, I am not sure what kind of future I see with him - I do know I probably could not live with him (again the stuff you wouldn't have to deal with if you maintained your own residences! Plus I am a Virgo!!!!!). I do see him in my life long term as a friend....with benefits! I am starting to realize that sometimes it is better just not to think so much, and just enjoy what is there for now and not worry about when it will be gone or if it should be there etc etc Just live it and deal with it as time goes on, and be willing to adapt and change as necessary, but still maintaining self-respect and dignity. And trust what it is there, while the words are not there, his actions send a clear message that he does care and respect me, there is always a tenderness in his touch and a look in his eyes and he now often says "thank you". (Don't laugh Kat...I know you are familiar with those words...sometimes those words have to be good enough and perhaps more honest than the words "I love you too" because in a lot of ways, we are grateful for having these people in our loves and that is what we want to express).
Anyway that's all from me today! Have a great weekend...I may report back on my evening...eeek wish me luck!
P.S. I heard from the english fellow, never expected that! (see my post "Lobby Walk...") He is back in town next week and wants to kiss me all over again...ha ha...and here I was feeling a bit insecure that maybe I wasn't "that good" lol I WILL NOT BE DOING THE LOBBY WALK FOR HIM AGAIN...SORRY PEOPLE
at 9:38 AM