Friday, July 8, 2011
Girls Night Out
It is here...the week's end...thank goodness! It has been a long week (work-wise and life-wise).
Well tonite I will be going out with a group of ladies, it has been forever that I have gone out for drinks and on the town. We are starting with dinner and then who knows where the night will take us. I must say I am a bit nervous. One, it has been awhile; and two, I am sort of single (separated but not fully, call it what you may). I just don't know what to expect, especially because I plan on having a few drinks. The last few times have been okay because I have not drank much or at all, often offering to be the designated driver. I guess I am not sure I fully trust myself with drinks, in the past obviously I did not care...but my mindset is quite different these days. Kat and I joked this morning about how we were literally a couple of walking "penises" or "clits". Kat even said we should have just hung up a sign saying "open for business", and then I laughed and said, "no sign was required...it was obvious what we were looking for". I really don't feel I am there anymore, but then again I have not been out in a social situation for some time, so there is a bit of anxiousness. Am I stronger and more secure in myself not to seek out that attention? I have cut out my extracurricular activities with Kiwi and Big...and other randoms that surface every now and again. But those decisions were made sober. And perhaps I just won't be putting out that vibe anymore, as I am not seeking that attention anymore. Well I guess I won't know till I try it...wish me luck!
Just as an update on my situation. I am a month and a half into my "sabbatical" and I am feeling really good about being on my own. While my husband is proud of me on many fronts, it also leaves him sad and confused. Last week we had a talk where I expressed my thoughts on the ideal relationship, being together but living apart. That way all those annoying habits don't get in the way of what's important in a relationship. As usual, it takes him a day or two or a week to mull things over and this week he expressed to me that he is having a tough time with the uncertainty of the duration of this separation and expressed that a reconnection seems so far away if there ever is one. He said he is very confused and hurt by this state of limbo, and said he doesn't think he will ever be happy again. He said he never wants to force me into a relationship that I don't want to be in and could not bear for me to come back out of guilt and not because I miss him or want to be with him. I had said to him he may have to accept the new Agnes, if we are to be together again, but he struggles with that and what that may entail i.e. being together but apart. He said he signed up to grow old with me and share everything together. He even mentioned the word "Divorce". I do completely understand where he is coming from. I am the same way about certain things, I want an answer now. I want to know what will be happening next. I like a plan! But in recent months, when I embarked on this journey, I realized that for me I can only live day by day. But I cannot expect him to do the same, and so I realized I may just have to let him go; for his sanity. And then let things take their course. I can honestly say today that while I love my husband (which I have not been able to use those words relating to him for some time), I do not feel I can be his wife right now. I enjoy his company when I see him now. We have met as a family for breakfast, last night we met at our local market for dinner, but there is no desire for me to go home with him. This week before he heads off for some vacation time, I plan on telling him I am extending my rental term with my landlord as there is no way I can go back at the end of August - and we need to discuss letting go. I want to do that for him; and I know I should be doing that for me too. I hate finality (obviously, as you can tell by my actions with Kiwi, Big etc), I cannot remember if I posted this already, but my counselor said I am a "hoarder" and I truly think I am! A hoarder of men and friends and GUILT, whether it is healthy or not.
I do feel I am evolving and changing inside, I am starting to feel a calmness. When I wake up in my own place - I feel at home.
On the FG front, well we are still seeing each other. And again, I am changing my attitude towards that relationship, mostly for self preservation and mostly due to the reality of it. We both continue to need and want each other; we have both expressed that. Some days I feel as though he might be using me (mostly because he cannot express in words his feelings for me right now) but then again I am using him too in a lot of ways. Some days I think I deserve to hear how he feels about me, but then realize that is unfair because if he asked the same question of me I would not be able to give him a response. While I enjoy his company and our physical connection is undeniable, I am not sure what kind of future I see with him - I do know I probably could not live with him (again the stuff you wouldn't have to deal with if you maintained your own residences! Plus I am a Virgo!!!!!). I do see him in my life long term as a friend....with benefits! I am starting to realize that sometimes it is better just not to think so much, and just enjoy what is there for now and not worry about when it will be gone or if it should be there etc etc Just live it and deal with it as time goes on, and be willing to adapt and change as necessary, but still maintaining self-respect and dignity. And trust what it is there, while the words are not there, his actions send a clear message that he does care and respect me, there is always a tenderness in his touch and a look in his eyes and he now often says "thank you". (Don't laugh Kat...I know you are familiar with those words...sometimes those words have to be good enough and perhaps more honest than the words "I love you too" because in a lot of ways, we are grateful for having these people in our loves and that is what we want to express).
Anyway that's all from me today! Have a great weekend...I may report back on my evening...eeek wish me luck!
P.S. I heard from the english fellow, never expected that! (see my post "Lobby Walk...") He is back in town next week and wants to kiss me all over again...ha ha...and here I was feeling a bit insecure that maybe I wasn't "that good" lol I WILL NOT BE DOING THE LOBBY WALK FOR HIM AGAIN...SORRY PEOPLE
at 9:38 AM