Friday, July 8, 2011

Girls Night Out

It is here...the week's end...thank goodness! It has been a long week (work-wise and life-wise).

Well tonite I will be going out with a group of ladies, it has been forever that I have gone out for drinks and on the town. We are starting with dinner and then who knows where the night will take us. I must say I am a bit nervous. One, it has been awhile; and two, I am sort of single (separated but not fully, call it what you may). I just don't know what to expect, especially because I plan on having a few drinks. The last few times have been okay because I have not drank much or at all, often offering to be the designated driver. I guess I am not sure I fully trust myself with drinks, in the past obviously I did not care...but my mindset is quite different these days. Kat and I joked this morning about how we were literally a couple of walking "penises" or "clits". Kat even said we should have just hung up a sign saying "open for business", and then I laughed and said, "no sign was required...it was obvious what we were looking for". I really don't feel I am there anymore, but then again I have not been out in a social situation for some time, so there is a bit of anxiousness. Am I stronger and more secure in myself not to seek out that attention? I have cut out my extracurricular activities with Kiwi and Big...and other randoms that surface every now and again. But those decisions were made sober. And perhaps I just won't be putting out that vibe anymore, as I am not seeking that attention anymore. Well I guess I won't know till I try it...wish me luck!

Just as an update on my situation. I am a month and a half into my "sabbatical" and I am feeling really good about being on my own. While my husband is proud of me on many fronts, it also leaves him sad and confused. Last week we had a talk where I expressed my thoughts on the ideal relationship, being together but living apart. That way all those annoying habits don't get in the way of what's important in a relationship. As usual, it takes him a day or two or a week to mull things over and this week he expressed to me that he is having a tough time with the uncertainty of the duration of this separation and expressed that a reconnection seems so far away if there ever is one. He said he is very confused and hurt by this state of limbo, and said he doesn't think he will ever be happy again. He said he never wants to force me into a relationship that I don't want to be in and could not bear for me to come back out of guilt and not because I miss him or want to be with him. I had said to him he may have to accept the new Agnes, if we are to be together again, but he struggles with that and what that may entail i.e. being together but apart. He said he signed up to grow old with me and share everything together. He even mentioned the word "Divorce". I do completely understand where he is coming from. I am the same way about certain things, I want an answer now. I want to know what will be happening next. I like a plan! But in recent months, when I embarked on this journey, I realized that for me I can only live day by day. But I cannot expect him to do the same, and so I realized I may just have to let him go; for his sanity. And then let things take their course. I can honestly say today that while I love my husband (which I have not been able to use those words relating to him for some time), I do not feel I can be his wife right now. I enjoy his company when I see him now. We have met as a family for breakfast, last night we met at our local market for dinner, but there is no desire for me to go home with him. This week before he heads off for some vacation time, I plan on telling him I am extending my rental term with my landlord as there is no way I can go back at the end of August - and we need to discuss letting go. I want to do that for him; and I know I should be doing that for me too. I hate finality (obviously, as you can tell by my actions with Kiwi, Big etc), I cannot remember if I posted this already, but my counselor said I am a "hoarder" and I truly think I am! A hoarder of men and friends and GUILT, whether it is healthy or not.

I do feel I am evolving and changing inside, I am starting to feel a calmness. When I wake up in my own place - I feel at home.

On the FG front, well we are still seeing each other. And again, I am changing my attitude towards that relationship, mostly for self preservation and mostly due to the reality of it. We both continue to need and want each other; we have both expressed that. Some days I feel as though he might be using me (mostly because he cannot express in words his feelings for me right now) but then again I am using him too in a lot of ways. Some days I think I deserve to hear how he feels about me, but then realize that is unfair because if he asked the same question of me I would not be able to give him a response. While I enjoy his company and our physical connection is undeniable, I am not sure what kind of future I see with him - I do know I probably could not live with him (again the stuff you wouldn't have to deal with if you maintained your own residences! Plus I am a Virgo!!!!!). I do see him in my life long term as a friend....with benefits! I am starting to realize that sometimes it is better just not to think so much, and just enjoy what is there for now and not worry about when it will be gone or if it should be there etc etc Just live it and deal with it as time goes on, and be willing to adapt and change as necessary, but still maintaining self-respect and dignity. And trust what it is there, while the words are not there, his actions send a clear message that he does care and respect me, there is always a tenderness in his touch and a look in his eyes and he now often says "thank you". (Don't laugh Kat...I know you are familiar with those words...sometimes those words have to be good enough and perhaps more honest than the words "I love you too" because in a lot of ways, we are grateful for having these people in our loves and that is what we want to express).

Anyway that's all from me today! Have a great weekend...I may report back on my evening...eeek wish me luck!

P.S. I heard from the english fellow, never expected that! (see my post "Lobby Walk...") He is back in town next week and wants to kiss me all over again...ha ha...and here I was feeling a bit insecure that maybe I wasn't "that good" lol I WILL NOT BE DOING THE LOBBY WALK FOR HIM AGAIN...SORRY PEOPLE


5 comments:

  1. Does you husband know you have lovers?

    How does he feel about it?

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  2. No he does not. All I have given up to him is a one-night stand, a generic one. So he knows I have been unfaithful but not to any extent (you may wish to read back...). It really doesn't matter how many times you have been unfaithful, it only takes once in the eyes of the "faithful" partner. And his feelings about this "one night" are hurt, disgust, mistrust, all of the feelings one would image. In fact, his comment was when I told him, "I wish you were having an affair...at least it would be someone decent, not some scumbag..." (of course that is the vision he has created of the individual he thinks I slept with).

    How about you Doug1, what's your situation? And why do you ask that question?

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  3. GLad to hear you have good friends to hang with and bounce things off of.
    I wish that I could talk to my sportsman about the type of relationship I would like to have. but just isnt happening.
    All it does it makes things worse.

    So I continue to be "stuck"

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  4. Stuck or "sideways" as Kat refers to it as...one day Kittycat...we will all be living the lives we want to! ha ha

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  5. My situation is that my gf of 4+ years is living with me. We have a theoretically open relationship with veto rights over any particular lover both at the beginning and if it gets too disrupting of the primary, or maybe a theoretically one way open relationship. I haven’t taken advantage of that so far though we did have an ongoing mff threesome during summer weekends at our country place last summer. It was agreed by all to be a summer fling thing. M has said she doesn’t want to play with other men, and as I’ve said I haven’t played with women otherwise. I have a feeling if I do though, over time she’ll want to as well. So how great are the risks if we do things right? What is doing things right?

    I’m very interested in the dynamics of how an open marriage might work. And also what the dynamic tends to be when women take lovers or have lots of one off sex while still sleeping with their husbands. I’ve tended to think and still do think that most women tend to be different from most men as to whether it necessarily dissolves their sexual attraction to and feelings of in love pair bondedness with their husbands over time, especially if they really fall for one lover in particular, whereas most men tend to be polygamous and promiscuous in nature if they can pull it off. However not all women and not all men. It’s seeming that more promiscuous girls might actually be better able to retain feelings and desire for sex with their husbands when playing outside than quite good girl types before marriage. But I’m not sure yet.

    Anyway I’m definitely here to learn and not to preach. I’m interested in reading open marriage blogs and also cheating wives blogs (which have been a whole lot easier to find) to better understand the dynamics of this stuff.

    ReplyDelete