Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I may as well carry on from my comment on Adam's blog post today (http://marriedmanadventures.blogspot.com/2011/07/get-busy-livin-or-get-busy-dyin.html).
I have been doing pretty good...living on my own for a month and a half. Announced to my hub yesterday that I have extended my rental until the end of October, to which he was visibly choked up to hear. I explained once again, that I am not ready to come back yet, and it is not fair to come back and live as we were; he understood, or said he did. But I know this hurts him to no end. In fact just prior to that he said how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me and how I still make his heart flutter when he sees me. To which I cannot reciprocate that sentiment, which makes me feel shitty.
So while my confidence is increasing in the decision I have made to take this time for myself, I face these small obstacles which cause me some sadness and guilt, especially the one that has been consistent for me for which I never talk about and that is - missing my kid like mad. In most situations the dad leaves, not the mom - what kind of mom would leave her kid. And while my kid and I have a great relationship, and I received the support of my kid to find happiness. I know my kid feels abandoned. How could you not?! My kid expressed this sentiment today, and while I knew it was there, it is hard to hear it. It made me even think, "Fuck it, I just have to move back, I cannot do this anymore to my family"...but I can't, how can I just go back? How would that work? "Hi honey, I am home!" I still don't feel any connection to this man other than as a friend, I cannot even imagine having sex with him...there really is no way to go back yet. I would have taken my kid in a heartbeat but we are both good parents to our kid (with the exception of this), and how could I decide that it is more important for our kid to be with me. I would never do that to my hub. Leave him and take his kid?!
This is the one thing that makes me question what I have done. But I am doing this for everyone right? Not just me? Is this not a life lesson to my kid? Will this not make us all stronger and happier in the end? Or am I just delusional and being a selfish biotch!
I also want to reference Jonathan's comment on Holly's blog post, http://hollyinwonderland.blogspot.com/2011/07/coming-clean.html, where he suggested to Holly after she talked about working at a re-connection. He said if you are having to work at it, it is probably best to let the hub go now (or something to that effect). And I feel I am in that similar boat. I have left under the guise that this time may allow us the opportunity to re-connect. But I cannot even envision that; nor do I truthfully want to make much of an effort. Setting up a date, seems so forced. I am starting to feel like I need to just let go, and see what happens. So cliche like but really the alternative of forcing things creates a pit in my stomach. What I should have told the hub the other day is, "let's separate and see where things go", instead of opting for the wimpier answer that I have extended my stay for another couple of months...then what????
So do I yank the band-aid off now, or continue to slowly and painfully pull it off?
at 3:01 PM