Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Stumble

I may as well carry on from my comment on Adam's blog post today (http://marriedmanadventures.blogspot.com/2011/07/get-busy-livin-or-get-busy-dyin.html).

I have been doing pretty good...living on my own for a month and a half. Announced to my hub yesterday that I have extended my rental until the end of October, to which he was visibly choked up to hear. I explained once again, that I am not ready to come back yet, and it is not fair to come back and live as we were; he understood, or said he did. But I know this hurts him to no end. In fact just prior to that he said how beautiful I am and how attracted he is to me and how I still make his heart flutter when he sees me. To which I cannot reciprocate that sentiment, which makes me feel shitty.

So while my confidence is increasing in the decision I have made to take this time for myself, I face these small obstacles which cause me some sadness and guilt, especially the one that has been consistent for me for which I never talk about and that is - missing my kid like mad. In most situations the dad leaves, not the mom - what kind of mom would leave her kid. And while my kid and I have a great relationship, and I received the support of my kid to find happiness. I know my kid feels abandoned. How could you not?! My kid expressed this sentiment today, and while I knew it was there, it is hard to hear it. It made me even think, "Fuck it, I just have to move back, I cannot do this anymore to my family"...but I can't, how can I just go back? How would that work? "Hi honey, I am home!" I still don't feel any connection to this man other than as a friend, I cannot even imagine having sex with him...there really is no way to go back yet. I would have taken my kid in a heartbeat but we are both good parents to our kid (with the exception of this), and how could I decide that it is more important for our kid to be with me. I would never do that to my hub. Leave him and take his kid?!

This is the one thing that makes me question what I have done. But I am doing this for everyone right? Not just me? Is this not a life lesson to my kid? Will this not make us all stronger and happier in the end? Or am I just delusional and being a selfish biotch!

I also want to reference Jonathan's comment on Holly's blog post, http://hollyinwonderland.blogspot.com/2011/07/coming-clean.html, where he suggested to Holly after she talked about working at a re-connection. He said if you are having to work at it, it is probably best to let the hub go now (or something to that effect). And I feel I am in that similar boat. I have left under the guise that this time may allow us the opportunity to re-connect. But I cannot even envision that; nor do I truthfully want to make much of an effort. Setting up a date, seems so forced. I am starting to feel like I need to just let go, and see what happens. So cliche like but really the alternative of forcing things creates a pit in my stomach. What I should have told the hub the other day is, "let's separate and see where things go", instead of opting for the wimpier answer that I have extended my stay for another couple of months...then what????

So do I yank the band-aid off now, or continue to slowly and painfully pull it off?

4 comments:

  1. I wish I had a definitive answer for you, but we all have to do what feels right for our specific situation. However, I will say that since you've already moved out and taken some pretty big steps toward actually getting free AND since you clearly don't really want to reconnect, I would think it'd be easier to move toward divorce. What's your other option, really? Go back, fake it, and probably end up leaving later on anyway?

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  2. Here are my two cents, from a cheater.
    Alot of things have to be considered before just dumping a marriage.
    and it is super easy to just run away.

    I wish you the best and hope that you take more time to consider everything and don't call it quits just quite yet.

    postive thoughts your way.

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  3. Thanks KittyCat and Adam...

    Eeek that word "divorce" sounds so final!

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  4. Hi Agnes.. I'm very new to your blog, but I can certainly empathise with your situation. In my opinion, there is no point in dragging out the hurt, thats unfair to all parties. Change is the only thing that will truly set you free. Your kid will one day see how important it is to be happy in ones own skin.
    I wish you well.

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