Monday, July 25, 2011
Screw the term "sideways" that Kat always uses, I am "upside down" and not quite sure how to turn myself back up!
August is fast approaching...two months into the living on my own thing, and I feel no further ahead than when I started. Tears continue to be shed, feelings shared, but where is this all getting me????
My husband continues to profess his undying love and commitment to me, no matter what. Of course he also expressed some anger too, and particularly on Saturday night after I had been out the night before (asking when going to the bar was going to get old, essentially saying, when was I going to grow up...and telling me I am making poor choices by continuing to go out to the bar with Kat and friends). I don't know about all of you, but if someone tells me I shouldn't be doing something, I am not overly inclined to stop. And the crazy thing is, I have not been going out and partly because I do not really enjoy it much anymore. Which is a realization I am coming to on my own, and not from being berated by someone to stop. This is one confusing thing for me with respect to my husband, he claims to love me and wants to be with me etc but by these sorts of comments it seems he has little respect for my friends and how I live my life at times. Why would he want me in his life like this?
And then there is FG...after last week, he went underground again. I tried to get in touch to find out how his couples' counselling had gone, and he kept putting me off, "I'll email you k"...and no emails ever came. So after a rough night on Saturday (I essentially left a bbq on my own without really telling the hub, I think he thought I had gone off the deep end...okay I admit, I was dipping my toes!); I woke up early Sunday morning feeling so hurt and angry with FG. He had sent this lame ass email to me Saturday, which is part of the reason I fled the bbq. He was not being respectful of me as a friend or a lover. So I released an arsenal of text messages (real mature I know, but that is how he is used to receiving communications from his crazy wife, and he responds to those!). Half of it was crazy, half of it was honest and real...essentially I told him to let me go...and that his treatment of me was very disrespectful, among other things. I finally get a response saying "Whoa..." He finally admitted he had been acting like a dick, and treating me unfairly...he finally admitted that he is having trouble reconciling his wife's new found efforts in wanting to reconcile and his feelings for me (he finally admitted he has feelings!!!!), and that it is not fair for me to be on the side etc And that he has just been wanting to hide. I told him he cannot hide. Anyway, he agreed in the end that it was good to "speak" to me (no shit!!!).
He ended up coming by after work last night. We talked more in depth about the wife and how she has been putting the cart before the horse and desperately wants him back. It is not sitting right with him and he is trying to put the brakes on. But I can see his internal struggle as he also wants to get back to his kids. And the two are intermingling and once again he is losing his sense of self. I asked him to promise me he would not go back until he could honestly see a life with her as a "husband" not just as a father; and that would include wanting to be intimate with her and her wanting the same. Which of course he cannot even image at this point in time, if ever again. Once again, in person, he could not openly say how he felt about me, he did ask me not to wait for him, he did not want me to put my life on hold for him. I told him I would not. But I also told him that if at the end of the day we are on our own, and we still have deep feelings for one another I would be open to pursuing that option. I have not let go of my marriage either so I am in no position to offer myself up to him; I may choose to reconcile. We talked about making love but he feared by doing so, and then leaving me indefinitely it would hurt me. I told him I will make that choice for myself and that I wanted to be with him as much as he did. We did make love and it was raw and passionate and while no words were spoken the touches and the unspoken words were clear...neither of us WANT this to end, but we know we have to take a break (...again). We lay together holding one another, neither wanting to let go. He finally got up to get dressed. We held each other again...and then he handed me a key, he just held it up and I looked at him and said "I won't take it!" and then I teared up (I had actually been holding it together up to this point). I don't want it, he can toss it if he wants but I am not ready to accept the key back. He just said "okay..." and put it back in his pocket. I told him I loved him and that I only wanted the best for him, and I told him I was unsure what I was supposed to do with these feelings. Then I asked him, what next (I always need to know where I am going...), and he simply said, "I will email you at the end of the week", he asked if he could tuck me in, or if I was going to walk him to the door. I opted for the door. We said goodbye...
I thought I would go back to bed and bawl my eyes out, but I didn't! I remained calm and accepting. He needs this, I need this...as hard as it is if I truly love him and RESPECT him, I have to let him do this; without my influence. I need this for myself too more than anything, and I know he is doing it as much for me as he is for him cause he knows he is stronger that way, he knows I will never say no to him. So of course I had to send him an email this morning...just one, reiterating some points I made to him about this kids and wife that I thought might be helpful and then I wished him a good week and said talk to you later this week. I hope he comes through, I hope I do hear from him at the end of the week. Fortuitously I am going away this weekend with my daughter so it extends the distance naturally. I guess I will just have to see what happens for him and for me.
Just so dang difficult and full of emotions, I wonder when things will be calm in my head again. When I will just live my life and not be thinking 24/7 about him and what to do about my husband etc etc...I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, and I am not sure if it is time that will help me do that. I need to just start making choices and trust in my choices, and realize whatever choice I make will be the right one....what really is behind Door #1? FEAR is such a debilitating thing...time to let go of fear and take a step! Well another one...
I wasn't going to blog about this, cause I am starting to feel like am repeating myself..okay I am, but I find it helps to write it out to gain some perspective. And it is always nice to get some objective comments here and there (even subjective ones are welcome too, you know who you are!).