Monday, August 29, 2011

Best Date Ever...

Those were FG's words Friday night before we fell asleep in each other's arms...and when asked what was the best/worst of this wonderful day at the lake his response was, "the worst is that this day is now ending...the best was you meeting me at the lake this morning!"

So we had the three hot nights that I wrote about last week and then we had other commitments during the week, but the plan was to have a day at the lake on Friday. I was getting a bit nervous that the plans would fall through as I often do given the recent history with FG these past few months. Plus he did not fully come through on my birthday...well he did and he didn't (he did talk me off the ledge before a bday dinner with my fam). Well first thing Friday morning, we were texting and trying to coordinate our arrivals, and snacks of course (I am always thinking about food!!!!)

The whole time driving up my stomach was just butterflies...I was so excited to be seeing him. Things were starting to feel different with FG, but it was scary all at the same time...I was trying to proceed with caution!

I met him and he jumped in my car and we drove the last bit together to the lake. When we got there, we went inside and he immediately grabbed me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. And then told me to wait and close my eyes and open my hands...he handed me a bag and wished me "happy birthday" and in the bag was a beautiful necklace...it was perfect! We proceeded to get changed into our swimsuits - we were like two giddy kids...I was bent over in my bikini and of course, FG could not resist...he told me how good I looked (he has not done that in a long time - his whole not expressing himself whatsoever via words), and he turned me around to kiss me again. Well moments later of course we were removing those swimsuits and before hitting the beach we indulged in some hot sweaty sex...FG was not successful in a full orgasm so I knew we would be back again.

We hit the beach and we just talked non-stop, our chairs facing one another, feet intertwined, pure freedom to hang out together (after we did a sweep of the beach and realized no one was there we recognized!). We cracked a couple of beer and shared the snacks I had brought along. We had some great laughs at FG's expenses as he made a "grand" seal like entrance into the water...one day we will find those sunglasses! We even contemplated him calling in sick for work to carry on with this day at the lake. We decided that due to other circumstances, best to keep the "sick day" for a better day. Mid-day at the lake FG ordered me back to the trailer to finish off business, and that we did...we did trot back down to the lake before we left, with me and my inside out bikini bottoms...oops!

The day was not over yet!

We drove back to my place, stopping for dinner items and wine etc We cooked together and just before dinner FG lit some candles for the table...when we sat down, he looked all serious at me and I teased "is this a date? are you going to ask me to marry you or something?" Of course we laughed but we both knew we were both basking in this wonderful day together. Although the words were not spoken, we both knew that we were both incredibly happy and appreciative of having each other in our lives and being able to share this day together (sorry for the sappiness!).

Of course after dinner, we could not resist each other any longer and we made love. I use those words because he did not just fuck me that night, it was charged with emotions (and a vibrator in his ass! thanks for the tip Kat).

Saturday I went back to the lake with my kid and friends but we messaged each other by text and even some "xxx" were exchanged. Again something that had stopped and has resurfaced!

By Sunday night, we were dying to see each other again...and so he came over for dinner, and then leftovers last night AND I think he is coming over again tonite...we cannot get enough of each other. He even said I was invited for dinner with him and his roomie...I was shocked, I later asked how that came about (as I have been the "secret", the "buddy" up until now), and he said he had been telling his roomie about our day Friday and I suppose sharing his feelings about me and his roomie said, "I think it's time I met this woman". Yikes!!! FG knows a few of my friends but I have not been introduced to any of his to date.

But as I expressed to Kat today, this is all scaring me a bit, but I have to stop thinking and just enjoy what is going on here, right?! Do I need to be concerned where this is going? or just go with it?

I also have another internal struggle as I think I mentioned I am off on a vacation Wed to meet Swiss Mister after two years! We have been maintaining contact and planning to see each other, and the time has come! He is such a lovely man, and very hot if I do say so myself...9 years my junior (is that how you say it?) but wise beyond his years, actually way more mature than I am! I did contemplate cancelling but I really do want to see him. And of course when FG was "turtling" I felt no guilt about seeing him at all! And regardless of FG or anyone else (hub included) I was going to spend this time with Swiss Mister as planned and then that was it for any other extra curricular activity; my end point so to speak! There is no turning back now, so I will just deal with it. I have successfully lied to everyone up to this point, one last lie will not kill me! Ugh!

Okay on a positive front, or by way of an update...the hub has expressed the need to actually "separate". Up to now he has maintained he is just patiently waiting for me, not remotely interested in dating, the pressure was all on me to come through this so we would be back together! We spoke last week a bit and by Sunday he came to this conclusion. He also put a deadline of December on me, where we determine where we are at. He said this way we can both hang out with friends or date, guilt free, cut the ties so to speak. He also said he will not be wearing his wedding ring. My prediction is that he will meet someone! I mean for me this just allows me to see FG more guilt free than I have been doing, give this a more "real" shot (of course FG also needs to be willing to step out a bit with me too, but I think he is getting there). Anyway, although this is something I wanted, it is still hard to be mature and secure and hear him say that there is a possibility that he may move on and end things with me first. Whats the saying, "careful what you wish for"? So it is with mixed blessings that I received this information.

It is all good though, this is all working towards me simplifying my life. And me eventually living honestly with the people in my life. I am working toward that goal. It is not easy to shake 4 years (Kat reminded me of that!) of living in lies and doing whatever I wanted at all costs! I have no regrets per se, but I also know I do want to live differently. Don't get me wrong, I do want men in my life, I just don't have to sleep with everyone of them I feast my eyes on! I will never stop being boy crazy! ha ha

ahhhh....enjoy the ride of life...1 more sleep to Hump Day!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I'm such a man!!!

I'm a 16, 18 and 25 year old boy in a 39 year old woman's body...SERIOUSLY!!!  I think about sex 24/7, I have sex whenever I possibly can and I can't commit to just one person.

I know I am way past due to post but as you can imagine I've been a bit busy.  I'm officially single and loving every minute of it (well maybe not every minute but close).  I am seeing B on a more regular basis but nothing really has changed about our relationship.  He is the perfect "friends with benefits".  We have a great time together and the benefits are unbelievable.  So why am I not committing to him...because he isn't who I imagined myself with.  I think we both know, or at least I know, that we are not compatible.  I don't want anything to change and hoping that he doesn't either...at least not anytime soon.  The one problem that I was having is that I was feeling a bit guilty because he doesn't know that I have been with other men.  It's been a year and a half and more then time to discuss what our "relationship" was.  I needed to confirm with him that we were not exclusive and that I was okay with him seeing other people and I needed him to be okay with me being with other men.  The conversation went very well and I believe we came to an understanding that anything that happens with other people that neither one of us wanted to know.  It felt good to finally define whatever we have.  Phew  So that is the 25 year old in me....not wanting to commit.

The 18 year old....just wants to get laid (do people still say that?)  Two weekends ago I was a bridesmaid at a good friend's wedding.  I always thought that it was just in the movies that the bridesmaid lands up having sex with the groomsman so I was a bit shocked when it actually happened to me.  Okay maybe not totally shocked because I had a feeling at the rehearsal dinner that I would be hooking up with the Best Man.  The day of wedding there was a lot of innocent flirting back and forth but I also noticed that one of the other bridesmaids was eyeing him up as well.  That just made me even more excited...I love a challenge.   Nearing the end of the night he asked me to dance and during the dance I turned to him and said "you know exactly where this is going..right?".  He was visibly shocked but leaned in anyways and kissed me...I'm not a big fan of people necking on the dance floor so I asked him to join me outside.  We kissed for quite awhile was unfortunate because he isn't a very good kisser.  I could of turned it off right there but thought....fuck it I might as well take him to my room.  Very few clothes were taken off when we got up there (typical gowns that are impossible to get out of).  Despite his inability to kiss my mouth he was really good with his mouth on my pussy...the area that counts the most anyways.  20 minutes later we were back down at the reception and I felt like all eyes were on me.  I wanted to get up on a table and yell "YES I JUST HAD SEX...MAYBE YOU ALL SHOULD TOO".

The next morning he sends me a text to come down and cuddle.  Are you kidding me...CUDDLE?!!!...whatever happened to one nighters.  But I'm still a woman and the need to please still has power over me.  With the hopes that there would be no cuddling and just sex I went down in just my robe. hehe  Sure enough I was back in my room within 25 minutes and somewhat satisfied.  He lives in the East and I live in the West so surely that would be the end...right?  NOPE.  He has my cell number and has been texting me none stop.  What is a girl to do...I even tried to tell him that I make really bad girlfriend material because monogamy is lost on me...he didn't care.  I will slowly have to ween this one off.

A couple of days after I got home from the wedding I sent the neighbor a text on the off chance that he was available.  Here was our text dialogue:

Me:  Hey you...home alone tonight, can you swing by.
N:  Absolutely..be there at 6
Me:  Perfect!!!  Any special requests?
N: Within 10 seconds of me walking in I want my cock in your mouth and after you swallowed my load I want you to make me hard again so I can fuck you.  Sound good?
Me:  Hellz Yeah

So as planned his cock is in my mouth and he blows his load...everything is going well...the kissing continues...perfect...he never gets hard again..WTF.  So I'm lying there thinking he will just pleasure me in other ways...not a chance.  "Okay well I better go...see you later?" Ummmmmm NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.  Of course I didn't say that but I wanted to.  So I have decided to strike him off my list...bah bye Neighbor...good riddance!

NEXT....

As the neighbor left me extremely frustrated I was excited when B said he would come spend the weekend.  Poor guy had to clean up the mess that the neighbor left and he had no knowledge of it.  Thankfully B is very giving and he had no problem satisfying my every need.  So much so that he landed up with a very sensitive cock by Sunday and I was left with a bladder infection...the sign of a great weekend.  :)

Well that's all folks....for now anyways.




BIRTHDAY GIRL

Today 40 odd years ago an amazingly beautiful girl was born and for that I will forever be thankful.  Agnes you mean more to me then you will ever know.  Sad, mad, happy, drunk, frustrated (sexually), crazy, panicked, giddy, stupid, etc. you've been there for me through all of those emotional times and I can't imagine what I would have done without you by my side to help me through (especially the drunk and frustrated..lol).  I love you and can't wait to be cruising the old age home with you one day.

It's your day so put all your troubles away today and have some fun (I'm sure FG can provide you with that).:)


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Time to wash the sheets...

Three nights in a row, whatever will I do with myself tonite...my wee purple just cannot cut it after three nights of bed soaking, ass fingering sex!

Who knew how much pleasure he would get out of my finger being slipped into his ass. I have been so tentative to go there...but I finally did, the lube was out for a massage and I thought, why not! And it was well received, so to speak! I did it the first time Sat night after many libations, but last night in a sober state, I ventured there again...which of course led to him reciprocating with some finger fucking...oh how I love his fingers!

I guess I had not really done this ever with FG (but I know the hub used to enjoy this, and I am sure it happened with a stranger or two one in particular, the boy "Johnny" who remains faceless, poor guy, I left him in pool of female ejaculate! ha ha), but the other night when I was riding FG, I kept coming over and over, but I would pull him out and let him feel the rush of my cum all over his cock...he LOVED IT! He was like a little kid, he kept asking for me to do it again, "cum again?" to which I obliged. Sometimes there is an abundance of cum, where does that all come from??? What a mess, but what a turn on for him and for me to see how wonderfully in awe and excited he is that my body can do this (and that his cock is responsible for bringing it about). He also insisted while I was on top that I just rubbed my soaking wet pussy all over his cock, particularly pausing over the head of his cock and then directing my pussy to allow him to slip right in. Nothing quite like that feeling of entry for him and for me. For some reason though FG cannot cum in this position, so after I fuck him, he always demands it is time for him to fuck me! Each night (combined night/morning) he came twice, and we even went for round 3 on Sunday night, that never happens with him. I told him now we just need to work on his recovery time! Anyone have some suggestions on building this up?

So I hear I sit horny...again...why did I write this knowing I will not be getting any tonite ugh! And likely not tomorrow night, or Thursday...why would I torture myself this way?! OMG I think I may need to run to the ladies' room...Heh Kat can I borrow your vibe?!

Monday, August 22, 2011

The cave...

And it was not me!!!!! Saturday afternoon I got the text from FG!!! At first a simple "Hi" and then a "how are you doing? I have been thinking about you." Of course my heart started racing but I was driving at the time and with my kid, so could not respond and then when I wanted to, we were in a "no service" area for our cell phones! Which was good that he had to wait!

His last message to me was "chat later?" So when I had a chance to respond, I said yes, of course, and invited him by for a dinner and a drink with Kat and B; he had to work late but said he would come for a drink.

Not sure if it was just my mood but I felt like I needed a drink! Well that "skinny girl margarita" kicked my ass, and maybe the wee smoke we had, but I was feeling no pain. When he arrived, the party was on! It was actually a lot of fun, Kat and I were on a roll and were making the boys laugh, FG kept saying that I give a great monologue and how funny I was! (I cannot even remember really what I was retelling!). Anyway, Kat and B decided to leave and the moment of truth had arrived. Despite being quite drunk I knew that FG needed to talk! That he was not going to be staying unless we had the conversation I told him I wanted and deserved. My memory is a bit fuzzy but I did finally get an expression of his feelings, and affirmation of my own. The next day we followed it up (that's right folks...he stayed the night!) with breakfast and more conversation. All we know is that we enjoy what we have now and cannot make promises for the future. And he knows that by him "turtling" it does hurt me, and really does not accomplish anything at his end by doing so, and in the end he always comes back to me because he does have feelings for me! I really did feel much better after our discussions, but I still needed a further talk about an item I had mentioned in our discussions, one that I posed in a text later that afternoon. I said "So do you think we should date 10 people to determine whether we do really want to continue with our relationship" (I guess there is some book that suggests this to get over the "one" you love or something to that effect). Some of you know we ask these questions but we don't really want to know the answers! Of course I got too quick a response for my liking, and he said "Maybe we should think about doing that..."

As an aside I had been getting this feeling from some comments he has been making since he made the decision not to reconcile with the wife and also from him living the bachelor life, that he my be wanting to spread his wings a bit. Just like the people in my life who do not know about FG, who know I have separated, they often say, "Ah you should go on a date..." Anyway, he has been hearing those words and contemplating them himself. I mean he has been more confined than I ever was, so only natural for him thinking this way, but still hard for me in some respects as I want to believe I am enough...ha ha...just an ego thing, which I am sure we all experience!

Anyway, I messaged back to him saying this required further discussion. He ended up coming over after work last night, and we just enjoyed each other's company. This morning we woke up pretty early and just started talking and I brought up the subject of the dating...it was a very open and honest discussion. We both expressed that if we did date we did not want to hear about it (and of course I had to throw in my "near date" which I will mention in a bit), and I expressed I was not interested in sharing him sexually, that if his "dating" led to sex, he needed to move on, it was just something I was not comfortable with. Believe me people I once was, and I know I am a complete hypocrite as i will be sleeping with Swiss Mister next week (but that was two years in the making and that will be the end of my run, going out with a bang so to speak!). Anyway, in my future relationships I want to be honest and I do not want to be shared or share my partner. I said I was not setting guidelines or parameters but just expressing how I felt. We talked about an open relationship. Not in the way we talk about here in blogland (Adam and Holly) but open to meeting new people and open in that we would not confine one another or have expectations for a long term goal ie. marriage or living together, and just open to seeing where this road takes takes us - no promises I guess. I also expressed that seeing other people was not really something I was interested in at this time for myself. And he expressed that concerned him about what I wanted versus how he felt. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. I said just because I tell him I only want him right now it is not a reflection of the type of relationship I want, I want us to have our space, but I would like a home base, and right now I want that to be him. And also that I do not want him to say he is afraid of hurting me, as for me I interpret that as holding the cards, that he has less to lose than I do and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would not be equally as hurt to lose me.

Anyway, just lots of good conversations over the weekend and some very hot sex...my sheets are airing out at home as we speak; I even slipped a finger in his ass on Saturday night to which he was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed (it was a first for me, well maybe a second, I think I did that to Single Guy). I thanked him by text later this morning for indulging me with conversation, as I know it does not come easy for him to talk. I said whether we end up together or not, this is all character building and making us better communicators for the future!

....

Okay, the UN-DATE!

Well he did finally call at 9 - FG #2! We were supposed to meet at 8:30 or 9...my girlfriend was there coaching me! When he called as smooth as silk, he said "okay just meeting friends, let's meet at 10:30..." YA RIGHT! I had already been waiting around, and then was not going to wait around another hour and a half, while he was drinking and I had to stay sober to drive a distance to meet him! And then he asked me to meet him at a night club! We were supposed to have a quiet drink so we could talk! I initially agreed I would be down to pick him up and then after a flurry of texting and coaching with 3 girlfriends, I decided (they actually said I should go, all 3 of them!) not to go. It is one thing if I had been out with him before, I might have considered it, but this was sounding more and more like a booty call. If some of you have figured me out, I have a hard time saying "no" so this was huge for me to walk away from this. Of course as soon as I said no, he was texting how disappointed he was...and then as the night went on, again, it became clear he had wanted sex only. I have two guys as you know, probably a few more and who I know well who can help me out on this front. As hot as he was, I was truly hoping for a "date". I was polite and all, but made it clear that if he has another night he is not double-booked I would love to get together! I have not heard from him since, but he does have his kid this week, so we will see. I will not be heart broken if he does not call. I really don't think I was ready for that anyway. So in the end it all worked out! I mean don't get me wrong, it was very flattering to have such a hotty wanting to go out with me, but that's all he is to me...he is not FG!

P.S. did I mention how good the sex was with FG this weekend? I need him again tonite...I have already dropped a hint...that cock of his is so nice and thick...mmmmmm

Friday, August 19, 2011

TGIF...

Too bad I feel like a bag of smashed assholes today! (I love that saying, a fellow soccer mate used that once and it cracked me up! What is that? and what would that feel like?). Well, I feel a bit beaten up today...not sure if I am coming down with something or if it's just emotional.

Feeling so discombobulated today...missing FG like mad. Everything I do causes me to think of him. I got a career related email and I immediately wanted to text him or email to share it. When I was in the shower I was wondering if he was thinking about me as much as I was thinking about him, or if he is just able to switch off? And how does one do that? I mean really, I do not see that as a fault, I would love to be able to switch off my thoughts at times instead of being consumed by them!

I am not caving though people, I will not email or text or call or reach out, I am staying strong on that front. And I will hold out for words, not just actions....this time...I PROMISE!

Anyway, just needed to vent to blogland...it's a good distraction for about 5 or 10 minutes!

And I do have one other distraction later tonite...FG #2 asked me out on a date...Fek I have not been on a date in 26 years!!!!! I am so nervous. And also so unsure how to behave. The last few years when I have gone to meet a man it has been for sex, how does one go and just chat and say goodnight and head home??? Fortunately it is that time of the month, so I can use that as an excuse (although some men don't care), but I will pretend that I do! ha ha Do I just have a kiss and say thank you for a lovely evening? Because I have kissed him once before (and damn it was good) I am freaking out a bit and almost hoping he may cancel. Plus I have sworn up and down to myself and friends, I am not looking to date...and I really was not as this was a time for me to sort out my myself, career, marriage and FG and not bring in other parties to complicate my life. But he is soooo cute and he asked me...I have not had someone seek me out in this way for so long. It's just all fun right? Just a drink...nothing more...eeeeeeeek!

P.S. Thanks reader #94!!!!! 6 more to go...I better get to the gym for the big photo shoot! ha ha

Thursday, August 18, 2011

ONLY 7 more to go...

...And Kat and I get posing! Thanks new reader #93!

Okay so last blog update I think I wrote I was giving FG space...well guess what? He came rushing back into my arms (surprise, surprise). He finally told the wife in counselling he was not wanting to reconcile and off his fam went on vacation. The wife of course was not happy, but that was not a marriage to salvage, it really was not. So I guess with the fam away, and having made this big decision, he felt he could spend some time with me again. So we did, we had some great nights together...I kicked his ass in crib (and then had my way with him), we had some great dinners and conversations together, a couple of sleepovers. Then he went away for a few nights with the boys (which was well deserved, he has not had any kind of vacation since I have known him and long before that). While he was away I got text messages, even ones that included "xx" again, he expressed that he missed me and he even mentioned taking me up to the lake one night. By the Saturday before his return, his texting tone had changed, I could feel the "turtle-ing" coming on (two factors that were bringing this on, family returning from vacation and boy conversation at the lake perhaps? ok and maybe a third, he was sobering up!). Anyway, I was preparing myself for him not to message on Sunday but then he did, he actually called and asked me what I was doing later and could he come over and stay the night as he worked early the next morning. So he came over, we had a nice evening, some great sex but the whole night I felt as though he had something to say, I even asked him at one point.

Well, he did! And that was, it was time to TURTLE! We had a couple of texts that day, and I extended an invite for dinner that night or the next, but asked him to let me know. Well, 7:30 came, then 8:00 p.m. and I messaged him to say, "I guess you are not coming for dinner?" (and no I was not sitting at a table all set, I knew he wasn't coming). His response, "Oh no, I didn't think it was tonite, into G&T's..." I replied with my cheery "No worries...just let me know next time", and then a nice passive aggressive message saying "Next time you want sex just let me know!" and then we digressed from there! When he dismisses me like this I feel used...even though I know that is not intention. I got a "I don't want to hurt you...", "we'll chat tomorrow..."

Well "tomorrow" came and by 9:30 that night, I sent him a message "are you still napping?" (as he had mentioned he was going home to nap after work but would message after that! He responded, "I am in my shell", so once again I so kindly responded "Okay, while it is hard, I will give you your space..." or some lame ass bullshit! He said "thanks". Then I asked him if he had made some efforts to deal with a family issue (which is why he should be taking space from me!) and his response was lame and then he said "nite" ...I did not respond!

Well if anyone knows me, I cannot just leave things...and I like to have the last word. Just gives me more control and provides some self-preservation. So I sent an email. Basically expressing how his "turtle-ing" makes me feel, and that if he wants me to stick around and give him space and support, he needs to tell me how he feels about me. I cannot "blindly" do this anymore; I need to hear the words. And if he no longer has feelings for me, then we need to end this. I cannot be intimate anymore without hearing how he feels for me. Is that too much to ask? I am not asking for a promise or commitment for tomorrow, I am only asking him to tell me how he feels TODAY! And then we can figure the rest out!

I have to say since sending my message, which was not an ultimatum or meant to pressure, I offered him as much time as he needed to respond, I do feel a sense of relief. I feel like I can do this and be okay with whatever the outcome is. I feel like I said what I needed to and how his actions make me feel, and if he truly wants to be with me and has the same deep feelings for me he will need to express them to me. If he can't then he is not the person I should be with. I have been going through much self-discovery and development and I cannot be set back by being in a relationship with no communication, and feeling insecure and uncertain of my partners feelings for me. I thought I could sit back, but that was based on fear of losing FG, and who wants to live in fear, I am discovering, NOT ME!

So now I wait...riddled with constant thoughts of him ha ha ie. last night watching a movie, this morning in the shower, all fond memories of time spent together in my humble abode, wondering if those will just be just a memory, or if there will be more great times to come. Ya I know I have it bad! Bear with me! (and the likely fact that I will be writing a similar post in a few weeks likely! I really am trying to break the cycle!).

Well happy HNT everyone!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Don't be a lurker....follow us!!!!

Agnes and I get so excited when we have new followers and we are anxious to get to 100...sooooo if that day ever comes, to show our appreciation, we will do an HNT together.