Thursday, August 18, 2011

ONLY 7 more to go...

...And Kat and I get posing! Thanks new reader #93!

Okay so last blog update I think I wrote I was giving FG space...well guess what? He came rushing back into my arms (surprise, surprise). He finally told the wife in counselling he was not wanting to reconcile and off his fam went on vacation. The wife of course was not happy, but that was not a marriage to salvage, it really was not. So I guess with the fam away, and having made this big decision, he felt he could spend some time with me again. So we did, we had some great nights together...I kicked his ass in crib (and then had my way with him), we had some great dinners and conversations together, a couple of sleepovers. Then he went away for a few nights with the boys (which was well deserved, he has not had any kind of vacation since I have known him and long before that). While he was away I got text messages, even ones that included "xx" again, he expressed that he missed me and he even mentioned taking me up to the lake one night. By the Saturday before his return, his texting tone had changed, I could feel the "turtle-ing" coming on (two factors that were bringing this on, family returning from vacation and boy conversation at the lake perhaps? ok and maybe a third, he was sobering up!). Anyway, I was preparing myself for him not to message on Sunday but then he did, he actually called and asked me what I was doing later and could he come over and stay the night as he worked early the next morning. So he came over, we had a nice evening, some great sex but the whole night I felt as though he had something to say, I even asked him at one point.

Well, he did! And that was, it was time to TURTLE! We had a couple of texts that day, and I extended an invite for dinner that night or the next, but asked him to let me know. Well, 7:30 came, then 8:00 p.m. and I messaged him to say, "I guess you are not coming for dinner?" (and no I was not sitting at a table all set, I knew he wasn't coming). His response, "Oh no, I didn't think it was tonite, into G&T's..." I replied with my cheery "No worries...just let me know next time", and then a nice passive aggressive message saying "Next time you want sex just let me know!" and then we digressed from there! When he dismisses me like this I feel used...even though I know that is not intention. I got a "I don't want to hurt you...", "we'll chat tomorrow..."

Well "tomorrow" came and by 9:30 that night, I sent him a message "are you still napping?" (as he had mentioned he was going home to nap after work but would message after that! He responded, "I am in my shell", so once again I so kindly responded "Okay, while it is hard, I will give you your space..." or some lame ass bullshit! He said "thanks". Then I asked him if he had made some efforts to deal with a family issue (which is why he should be taking space from me!) and his response was lame and then he said "nite" ...I did not respond!

Well if anyone knows me, I cannot just leave things...and I like to have the last word. Just gives me more control and provides some self-preservation. So I sent an email. Basically expressing how his "turtle-ing" makes me feel, and that if he wants me to stick around and give him space and support, he needs to tell me how he feels about me. I cannot "blindly" do this anymore; I need to hear the words. And if he no longer has feelings for me, then we need to end this. I cannot be intimate anymore without hearing how he feels for me. Is that too much to ask? I am not asking for a promise or commitment for tomorrow, I am only asking him to tell me how he feels TODAY! And then we can figure the rest out!

I have to say since sending my message, which was not an ultimatum or meant to pressure, I offered him as much time as he needed to respond, I do feel a sense of relief. I feel like I can do this and be okay with whatever the outcome is. I feel like I said what I needed to and how his actions make me feel, and if he truly wants to be with me and has the same deep feelings for me he will need to express them to me. If he can't then he is not the person I should be with. I have been going through much self-discovery and development and I cannot be set back by being in a relationship with no communication, and feeling insecure and uncertain of my partners feelings for me. I thought I could sit back, but that was based on fear of losing FG, and who wants to live in fear, I am discovering, NOT ME!

So now I wait...riddled with constant thoughts of him ha ha ie. last night watching a movie, this morning in the shower, all fond memories of time spent together in my humble abode, wondering if those will just be just a memory, or if there will be more great times to come. Ya I know I have it bad! Bear with me! (and the likely fact that I will be writing a similar post in a few weeks likely! I really am trying to break the cycle!).

Well happy HNT everyone!

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry
    I hate when people do this kind of shit.

    I've been there. But I got the big kiss off
    but mostly cause I wanted more than just the sex
    I felt like we had this connection
    guess I was way off
    sucks. Ass

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  2. Thanks KittyCat...the thing is, normally I would take a hint but before he got busted he did express he loved me and wanted to be with me, and although he does not say the words, his actions show me I do mean a lot to him...but then again, I may be way off too...in that case, I wish he would give me the kiss off sooner than later as I am expending way too much energy on this stuff!

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  3. You've got to balance guarding your heart vs. enjoying the moments you can with your lover. And I think what you need and want day to day may change. Just make sure you are being true to yourself.

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  4. I am trying to be true to myself Holly, and this is the reason I am now holding out for an expression of his feelings. I decided I need this, whether they are good or bad, or even uncertain, I need to hear how he feels about me. And I think I deserve that (and I think he needs to do that for himself too).

    I am not sure I fully understand your comment about guarding my heart vs. enjoying the moments with my lover?

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