Monday, November 21, 2011
I resisted the pull...barely! (and mostly due to circumstances). But whatever works, right?!
I made myself conveniently busy for Big over the weekend. I did run into him (well I told him where I would be ha ha) on Saturday night...just had some nice flirting and conversation.
My attention was somewhat elsewhere with YFM; he did come out to meet me on Saturday night. He arrived and seemed to only have eyes for me. It was nice! All the girls were very friendly to him and he fit right in...I was able to take off and go dancing etc I did abandon him for a bit while chatting with Big, and he did eventually come fetch me. Apparently, (and I say apparently cause I was very very drunk - which I have not been that way for some time - Kat says it's those damn "road pops"!) him and I were making out in the corner near the end of the night and his hands were in my pants (I do have a vague recollection...of course I do not recall the audience...ugh! which was also captured on video and still photos!). Anyway all was good, but I was sticking to my guns and told him I would not be going home with him etc Well at the end of the night, when I had to run into the bar to grab something, apparently YFM and a friend (I use the term loosely) were making out in Kat's truck (thanks Kat for filling me in). I did not find this out until the next morning. I knew something was up as Kat had mentioned something but was not fully aware of the makeout session at this point. Now I know I am no angel and have kissed many a guy but there is a code. While him and I were just casual, it was obvious we were into each other that night...check in first before sticking your tongue down a girlfriend's guy's mouth!
Anyway it was kind of a blessing in disguise, as you know I was struggling a bit with this conflict because of FG...so it made my decision easy. I just sent him a message after I found out asking if he wanted my friend's number, understood they hooked up and made it clear, I am not into sharing (at least in the same night ha ha). His response was short and sweet, he just said I suppose I should back off and leave you alone. And I responded, I suppose so. Told him I had had fun and told him to take care. Next! Oh and I sent my "friend" a similar message, just so she knows that is not a cool move to make with me. She apologized, acknowledged she should have asked me and was thankful I was not mad at her.
So yesterday afternoon, I went back to what I know and love ...my rough and rugged FG, I was out doing errands and offered to drop off a jacket he had left at my place. When I got there his roomie was there too. We sat and had a cup of tea and a visit. As soon as his roomie left, I stood up actually to leave and just started to run my fingers through his hair and rub his shoulders...and the rest was history! And while he is a bit turtly right now, I do know it is not about me. I need to just go with the flow. This works better for me than dating etc as I am a creature of comfort - I like my safe places - I like my FG. Far from perfect but so am I!
I saw this today, and just wanted to share:
at 2:06 PM
Friday, November 18, 2011
Crikey, I am trying to stay on track...live honestly, take pleasure in the simple things in life, and most of all not clutter it up!
Well FG and I coast along...with blips here and there...mostly I am content, then other days I feel I deserve more (and I know I do) but I also know, and he has made it very clear, he has no more to offer me right now, and I have expressed to him, and accepted that for now that is okay for me. But then when I am having a rough day and such, I just feel my needs are not being met by him. And I ask myself is that just now cause of where he is at? or maybe he is not capable of being that kind of person who is perceptive in that way. I mentioned in a previous post about a health issue and the one person, who I have pushed away, is the one who is most concerned...that of course is my hub (who I have been separated from since June).
Anyway, I have just been out of sorts the last week or so, some of it pms related, some of it being worn out from dealing with my health issue, plus a confusing conversation with hub, add to that lack of attention from FG and new attention from a young man 10 years my junior (if that is how you say it), and old attention from Big! A couple weeks ago, I would not even have entertained anything other than FG, I was actually feeling super content! This week, I went on a date with the young french man "YFM" and Big called today to offer me oral sex...I did have sex with FG last night but I had to put my pout on for him to realize I needed him. Ugh...here I go again complicating my life, and being dishonest! Cause I have not shared my date with YFM with FG (there was no kissing, just a nice date), and if I do see Big, well I will not be sharing that with anyone (only Kat of course)...that does not fall in line with my new direction of life...but yet I am feeling very strongly compelled to indulge in some Big affection and I have invited YFM out with us this weekend (since FG turned down the invite, for good reasons I have to admit).
Sorry to read this it is probably all a scramble, but that is my current state of mind - ALL A SCRAMBLE!
Why can I not be content with the here and now, why I am looking for more - heck I am not even looking it just keeps hitting me in the face, but why can't I push it away?! As Kat always says, it's living sideways...I want to be upright and strong...and choose myself, not a man! I never thought I was a woman who relied on a man for happiness and direction. Most days I don't think I do, but then presented with a cock I crumble! ha ha Maybe it is not the men's company I desire, maybe it is just the sex, maybe I am a sex addict and that is what drives me and keeps pulling me back? Maybe I am a Tiger Woods or what's his name? Kat Von D and Bullock's guy?
Anyway, I have all these options this weekend, we will see if I hold firm and stay true to myself and respect myself and others in my life...or if I just succumb to oral pleasures and the affections of YFM with a bit of FG on the side! Would that be so bad?
So I was poopy pants all week really, partially due to a troublesome health issue, but after last night, I realized it was also because I needed sex! It was a like a switch went on and I feel like new today (okay other than my health issue)! A good banging is a great cure-all for mental health - I highly recommend it...9 days without sex, I do not recommend...that was pushing the limits. I still cannot fathom how FG's wife went 12 years without sex????!!!! WTF?
Anyway, all is good in my world today...plus we get to celebrate's Kat's birthday this weekend! Really looking forward to getting her out on the town, and celebrate what a "Kool Kat" she is! I love her to bits and wish this next part of her life is amazing and filled with all the things she deserves! Hugs and kisses to you Kat - friends forever (through thick and thin and ups and downs and slaps and giggles).
Happy Friday everyone!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Not sure if our numbers have dropped because we threatened to do a HNT photo together, or maybe because neither Kat or myself have blogged lately? Hmmm curious...
Anyway for those of you who decided to stick around...thanks!
Sorry no real updates lately, life is chugging along, pretty uneventful actually...and believe me, I am not complaining!
I did get a call finally from Kiwi, apologizing and updating me on his situation. He was still forewarning I could receive an email from his wife. Apparently he gave her my first name, but has held off on releasing my last name and allowing her to search me on FB...oh gee, soooo nice...I told him never to give up my last name, no need to. If she absolutely had to, she could email my "no name" account... but that was as far as I wanted to be involved...seriously what an idiot!
And FG and I are continuing to see one another. He has had a few challenges but remarkably he has not turtled from me. In fact, a toothbrush is now in my medicine cabinet and a pair of pj pants were left here the other day (his choice!) I do still hold my breath at times, wondering if it will come crashing down. And then I remind myself to live day by day and enjoy each day as it comes.
It is interesting, I do enjoy the time we spend together but the more I do, the more I know I could never live with him (I should never say never, as we all know things happen). This is actually less to do with him as it is with anyone. I really do not think I could ever live with anyone again. I love the sleepovers but I certainly love the nights to myself too. And most definitely enjoy not having to pick up after someone else and placing all my items as I like them! (okay I am a wee bit OCD...aren't we all? ha ha )
The sex between us is better than ever. There is a quiet passion to it, if that makes any sense. Our feelings are real and deep but there is no need to use words. We are both where we need and want to be right now, and this seems to be expressed through our "love" making (I know Kat will be gagging here).
And...in this last week, FG has revealed to me he is a closet dancer...and motown apparently is his weakness! I think as a kid he must have practiced for hours watching various singing/dance groups on Ed Sullivan or a show of its kind, as he has some moves...I don't think I have laughed as hard as I did the other night when the lip syncing and moves came out. Kat is probably howling reading this cause if you met FG this image would be hard to believe. But more than being impressed by his moves, I guess I am impressed that he is now able to reveal this silly side to me.
Not much more to update...I think I have said this once before but I find it hard to type about our sex life now as it just seems too intimate to me. Things are still very hot, and we never make it through a night together not touching one another...we are still going strong on that front...
P.S. Swiss Mister made it home safe and sound, and we are still in touch...he is one amazing man, and he will always have a place in my heart and my pussy...ass...mouth...tee hee...who knows if we will ever meet again, or if I could meet him if I am still involved with FG or someone new, but I knew I had to see him this last time and I am glad I did.