Friday, December 30, 2011

What does 2012 Hold?

Only good things I hope? It has to, it's my lucky number! I am so ready to grab and run and keep running ha ha...one step at a time, but taking steps will be the goal.

Well I survived the family vacation. Just prior to the vacation I did attend my counselling session and the conclusion that was drawn was that my marriage is over and I should let my husband go. It was suggested that I have that discussion on vacation but there was no way I was going to do that; and post vacation, I am still confused and not 100% sure that is what I want to do. I can't figure out why I cannot just let go. I guess cause it seems so final. So these next few weeks I know I will face the music...just need to gather the strength and courage to do what is right .

I am allowing myself this time as while on vacation I received an email from FG that he needed to move on...without me. Of course I was an emotional basket case receiving that on a vacation I was already having anxiety about etc etc I knew what he was saying was true, and long overdue. This was something we were both needing to do, we had become each other's crutch not to take action in our own lives...it was safe and comfortable. I still maintain FG has not been the factor to end my marriage etc, but he has prevented me from personal development. I was putting his needs first. I was trying to fix his life; save him. Amazing how when you step back a bit you can see more clearly.

Don't get me wrong, I care deeply for FG, and if he got in touch with me today to say he made a big mistake and wanted me in his life, I would have a hard time saying no...right now anyway, as I am missing him like mad - it's like quitting smoking, not an easy task...you know it's not good for you, but man it feels and tastes so good (I am not a smoker but I am gaining an understanding for an addiction per se).

He did say it was time and space he needed and he would get back in touch after the holidays, but I am not holding my breath. But I do hope it is significant enough time to allow me to get stronger to resist an unhealthy relationship if he does reach out again (which he has done now at least 3 or 4 times). This time though I did not try to convince him that he should find a way to have me in his life, that we could be casual etc. This time I affirmed he was making the right decision.

This year ahead I am going to get back on track with health and fitness. I am going to make some changes to my work life. I would like to take an adventure trip of sorts. And do some volunteering. I am going to attempt to take each day as it comes, and as it comes at me make good choices that honour one my main goals - to live honestly. I no longer want to compromise on that goal. I have spent many years living dishonestly, and it has finally taken its toll on me. Don't get me wrong, long term habits are hard to break especially with temptations all around me. It takes everything in me to resist these temptations ie. Big (I did cave a few days ago, just after I returned from my vacation and FG and I were "finalized" Big called me at a weak moment...and of course I had did not feel good afterwards, and definitely not satisfied). I am hoping when I start engaging in healthier activities that these temptations will fall to the wayside...I will be fulfilled and not needing to seek out these extra-curricular activities. This is not working for me any more, as much fun as it was at the time.

Wish me luck! And Happy New Year everyone, may you all seize what lies ahead! Onward and upward!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

You spin me right round baby, right round...

My life is spinning my head around right now...so out of sorts.

One year ago yesterday, I lost someone amazing in my life (well they had been gone for many years before that mentally), by the end of the month I am to tell my hub whether or not we will be moving forward or moving on, but in the meantime we are taking a family vacation over the holidays (plus extended family), which in and of itself can be very stressful (especially for a virgo!)....oh and my injury continues to wear me down!

And of course then there is FG...an entity of its own!

Luckily my pms should be subsiding as Aunt Flo finally arrived, which has so nicely enhanced all of my emotions and sucked all of my energy out of me to deal with anything or anyone. Not very often do I retreat, but when I do with it comes guilt for retreating from friends and family. I have to remind myself and THEM this is not about THEM or because of them, I just need this time to clear my head. I tend to wear everyone's issues and problems, likely to avoid dealing with my own, but also because I happen to care about them...call me fekn crazy, but that is who I am!

I am hoping in the next few days the fog will clear, and with a counselling session on the horizon, many of the questions and concerns I have can get cleared up, or at least some guidance can be offered on how to move forward in a way to cause me the least amount of stress and anxiety. To look at what is truly best for me and what I want out of life, and how to move on or forward without feeling like I am leaving anyone or anything behind. That whatever path I choose, it not only honors me but does not cause any hurt or pain to anyone, and if it does, that it is not up to me to carry that on my shoulders.

I found this quote the other day...
‎"Whatever you have experienced in your life is carved in stone. But today- at this very moment you have the power to make the shift from where you are to where you want to be. You are never stuck…you always have a choice. You just have to give yourself permission to grow, to love, to thrive.”
Ahh you gotta love life sometimes...the good thing is, that it will get sorted - I do know that. I have made big decisions in the past and I will again, but on my own time and in my own way that is respectful of me and others.

Happy Holidays everyone...