Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I miss him sooooooooooo much....

As much as I know it was what had to be done for both of us (I always think more for him than me, cause it is me putting off having to make any decisions or changes ha ha), this is so difficult letting go!!!!!

I am constantly thinking about my FG...from the moment I wake up, until I go to sleep at night. Meals are particularly hard cause I cooked for him a lot...and when I moved out, it was like he moved in with me...so simple activities were shared with him...A LOT! It's not all desperation thoughts...much of it is analysis as to why we cannot carry on, and really how compatible were we? (which is a question I have for all of you...this came to me the other day...never had I experienced such passion with someone as I had with FG...that constant hunger etc...but on paper, we are not really that compatible but maybe that is why we had that passion...maybe when two people are that compatible on paper those are the comfortable relationships? I mean they all serve their purpose, right? or can we have a combination? Just trying to get a feeling for what I should hold out for in making future decisions). And then the rest of the time I am remembering intimate/hot times spent together, or a touch or a look (that is generally when I feel the ache in my heart, the tightness in my chest and miss him like mad).

I know this feeling will eventually let up, but man it sucks! And I am hopeful one day we can be "old friends" ...I care deeply for this man - I care about his future etc and would love to be able to one day meet up for a coffee and catch up. I know we can't now, cause as he said "our chemistry does allow for that". I just have to be patient; and as he and my crazy doc say to me "be kind to yourself". Cause I have to be honest, I have reached out a few times, but I had to, I was compelled to. And no point beating myself up. The first time no response, and the second time I got a very nice understanding response from FG. I actually was impressed he did not just tell me to f'off! (not out of anger but more in that I am guessing he struggles with us not being together too, and he is just trying to shut me out to move on). That's the hard part, we did not end because we were mad at each other etc we ended because we both have tasks and decisions to make, and neither one of us was able to do that by being in each other's lives.

I am still contemplating my marriage, not going back but moving forward (perhaps dating my hub) and I am going to try dating other men too. I need to explore all my options if I want to see success and changes in my life. I have to admit the dating thing is foreign...meeting a guy to learn stuff about them and not for the purposes of sex - definitely not like an AM meeting! ha ha I had my first coffee date the other day, and when we finished, he said to me "you are very charming"...I laughed out loud! If he only knew how charming I was in the back of my car!

Anyway, one foot in front of the other - tripping here and there, but getting up and dusting myself off - onward and upward! And being kind to myself...and living honestly

Just want to mention...I REALLY REALLY REALLY MISS SEX!!!!!


  1. I know it is hard but it sounds like you are doing the right thing ultimately for YOU which is important. Seems like FG is doing what he needs to do as well. As I read this post and some of your previous ones, I can relate as I am certain I will face this step someday as well and I am sad that I have to think about an inevitable end to the relationship with my lover. I know that when we part ways it will be for the same reason that you and FG have parted. And yes missing sex definitely sucks but something tells me you won't be missing it for long! ;)

  2. Thanks Wave Rider!

    It truly is a day by day thing...I am starting to feel less sad and more thankful to him for awakening a passion within me. Maybe sometimes we need to go through these experiences to get to where we need to be.

    P.S. Dating scene sucks!!! You may all laugh, but I had to ditch two suitors when sexual innuendos were being made...ME of all people!!!! I am just not that kind of girl...right now! lol