Saturday, April 28, 2012

To Err is Human..

...or whatever the saying is!

I just read my post "The Other side..." this morning, which I wrote a couple of weeks ago but did not publish. But of course I have to now, cause it just goes to show that just when you think you are out of the woods...

Oh ya, so let's start with the minor stuff...Big called twice since that posting... but I did not hook up, but I certainly did not tell him about PC or discourage thoughts of a future hook up. I am not sure why I cannot let that one go (and of course I hear GLNO saying "don't ever give up big cock" or something to that effect).

Oh and PPM surfaced for a day! I found his old email and just sent a random message asking how he was which evolved into a day of him trying to get me over to fuck him. And of course he was still full of shit and had stories coming out of his ass - that guy always made me laugh!

And dumbfuck Kiwi called...not for a hookup...oh no, him and his wife are still trying to work on their relationship but she is insisting that she needs to see a photo of me, that's it. He has maintained a denial to her about my full identity...gee thanks! But wanted to warn me that she would be doing some online searching for me...what a fucker! So I think I have minimized any findings there...he apologized once again for being such a dumbfuck, I played it cool...said no worries...but just don't completely give me up!!!!!! It is pretty far in the past for me now, but just another wrinkle I do not feel like dealing with though so hopefully that blows over.

And lastly, remember all I said about FG and how well things were going (although I did say how easily I would cave if he reached out), well he emailed last week asking me to call him. Of course I drop everything and call him. Yup! I called him and ditched my plans to race home to have him over to chat. When he arrived he was looking very sullen and a bit sheepish. I knew and he knew that no good could come from this visit (although some did in the end) but we could not stop this train wreck.

We talked for quite a bit (at first me just rambling, likely out of nervousness), and then he became quite emotional. Of course he has not made many changes in his life although there was some positives, that I pointed out as per usual. And of course there are issues with the girlfriend, and he stated it was not going to be long term (it was like he read my mind with respect to PC...except I am happy with PC when I allow myself to be!). Anyway, it came to a head with me going over to him to hug him, as a friend! And then the hug grew deeper and deeper in intensity, he told me in the first time since we split up, that he really missed me...I KNOW YOU, YOU CAN ALL SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING...it just felt so good to hug this deeply...the connection is incredible (and I realize that a lot of that is hurt and anger too - we had a passionate affair, good or bad we did). A few times we looked at each other, kissed on the cheek, but I kept pulling myself away. And then he would say, "I better go" and I stupidly said "No please stay" and then said ha ha "Don't worry, I won't sleep with you..." cause I truly believed I had the strength and willpower and the respect for PC not too!!!!! I truly did. And then...he walked me, backed me, however it was but we made it over to the bed and the rest is history. We made the most passionate love we have in a very long time, if ever, it was mixed with raw emotion and familiarity and the post-coital embrace was the most tender (and lengthiest) ever, filled with all kinds of emotion. And of course, I then offered to feed him ha ha - it's what I do...but I also could not have him just leave.

So we enjoyed dinner together...it was actually really good, we talked about what brought him here etc Then it was time for him to leave and we hugged again and I started to speak and he stopped me and said "Don't ask...", I said "I have nothing to ask, I just want to tell you I have no expectations from this, what happened happened...I do still love you and I am not sure what that means, but what happened today will go no further" (or something to that effect, but essentially that was not the start of something again, it just happened)

So he left and I messaged him later to ask what he thought I was going to ask. He said he was not sure but what I said was perfect. And he thanked me for being there for him and we went back and forth how we may finally be able to move forward. It actually felt really good, cause we got some "unfinished" business out of the way, despite it being very disrespectful and dishonest to our new partners, and I felt that we could move forward as friends.

Well me being me, thinking I was in such a better place and could handle this all - lying to PC and having FG show up out of the blue and reach out to me etc etc - of course COULD NOT HANDLE IT, well at least after several beer. So first I almost sabotage things with PC, by inviting him to the bar I was at with friends for a drink (apparently I was very handsy and was talking crazy talk - going on about insecurity - when in fact it was guilt bubbling over). And then I thought it would be a good idea to text and PHONE FG at 12:30 a.m....oh ya, crying like a baby as PC had left the bar, not so happy and I guess I thought I was calling FG as a friend, and apparently telling him how much he messed me up! And guess where he was???? Oh ya at his girlfriend's place! He said something like, after I said just hang up on me, "Oh...I will be calling you...tomorrow!"

Anyway, I got the email the next day...he was not pleased, being dramatic that it was the second relationship he ruined (okay, first your marriage was a sham and secondly, he had told me that there were issues in his current relationship, but if it was okay then a call from a crazy ex would not ruin it unless he was stupid enough to tell her he had slept with me - which I found out later he did not)...and of course I retaliated, but affirmed I was in no way calling to reconnect and I honestly was not. I just was calling out of how much that fucked with my head and the guilt I was feeling AND I WAS VERY DRUNK.

Anyway, that day too I had to try to salvage things with PC, which I did somewhat that day, but it took until later in the week for us to get back on track and for him to see that I am not crazy. I never did fess up, not sure if that is right or wrong, likely wrong but I will not (or will try with all my power)  ever do that again. I just cannot!

And just yesterday, things got resolved with FG again. I know there is no good reason to have FG in my life still even as a friend. I know it makes no good sense. But for some reason I still need that. I think I almost need to prove to myself that I can do this. Or it just goes back to me being a hoarder. But essentially I messaged him one last time to say that yes, I should not have called, but that we were both to blame for what happened. I am choosing to forgive and forget and move on (myself and him) and that he should consider the same, and if he was willing to do that then he could contact me for a friendship...A PUBLIC ONE! Anyway, never thought I would hear from him again, but I got a message back saying, "Yes, I still want your friendship...BUT NO DRUNK CALLS" I agreed! I really have not been inclined to call him at all...come on, I think I was entitled somewhat to behave in that manner? ha ha ...

So here I am, out of the rubble and read to get back on track. 10 steps forward and just one back this time...I have learned not to beat myself up. I will likely continue to make mistakes, as it is a huge pull for me my past lifestyle and choices I made (with reckless abandon). And on the PC front, I did slip and was doubting that relationship cause I was feeling a bit insecure, even before the FG meeting. And I have decided to make a mental point there, of just enjoying what is there to be had and to quit overthinking everything, but mostly TO GET A LIFE!!!! Idle minds and hands are never a good thing!

So I continue onward and upward! This thing called life certainly can be a challenge, I tell you.

The other side....

I never thought I would be here...don't get me wrong the draw to fall back on my Agnes ways is still there (a true addiction as Kat once talked about)...it is pretty close to "one day at a time" or whatever the AA saying is.

PC and I have been seeing each other exclusively for almost 3 months now. Within that time frame I have taken a trip on my own, and no cheating! Cannot even think about a time in the last few years that I have been on a girls trip and did not at least make out with someone, or been out on the town and drunk and kissed someone (or more). Don't get me wrong, I am still very attracted to other men but somehow I am managing to keep my 'dick in my pants' so to speak!

PC is not my forever guy, I truthfully can never do forever again (I know I should never say never) but I just do not see long term. He is at a different stage in his life, and I am ready to spread my wings! But for now I am enjoying the honesty him and I have with one another, the attention he pays to me - so complimentary and loving and kind to me. Just very conscientious about my feelings and needs and very appreciative of me meeting his needs (all of THEM uh huh...). The sex is very good (keeps getting better and better - he even "accidentally" slipped into the back door last night - I was soaking wet, and he did kinda slip in - later he said, "sorry I didnt realize..." - it was a first for him - I think we will try again one night soon).

I do have days where I panic and want to get out, and I have to just slow down and enjoy TODAY. Some of that of course is the fear, that like FG he too will break my heart, and I figure get out before that can happen. And I know you cannot live like that.

And while PC is wonderful, he is not FG. I do still miss him deeply and the connection FG and I had was so strong. While I think PC feels that for me, it is not nearly as strong at my end (which does carry an element of guilt with it). When FG would even touch my shoulder, it would send a shiver throughout my body. We could not be cooking in the kitchen without touching one another (which of course usually resulted in sex). But I keep asking myself was that due to the nature of our relationship? The forbidden fruit? And that my relationship with PC is "normal" and much healthier? So I struggle with that a bit. Don't get me wrong, I will always get off, I love sex, but having that fiery electric deep in your belly sex is something difficult to attain...OR IS IT?

I do still communicate with FG on occasion...I write the odd note to help me work through my feelings, and check in on how he is doing. I have to say he has been quite good at allowing me to do that and responding "appropriately" by not engaging. He knows if he gives an inch I'll take a mile, and we can never go back to what we had. I don't want to go back, I had many more sad days in the end than happy. But I do miss the friendship we had. And I would like to get to a better place with him and truly envision us going for a coffee and talking about old times, and be able to keep our hands off each other ha ha. It is also making it easier that he is seeing someone too. Of course, I was initially jealous. But clearly had no right to be as I had started dating PC before he started dating, and of course as we know, I was less than faithful to him during our relationship. It is just a bit sad and disappointing some days that now that we are able to be single, and open and honest, we don't get to do that with each other. We actually had a lot of the same future plans etc But that's okay we will both do that on our own, and will be always be proud of one another for coming out of all of that "stuff".

No one else has resurfaced ...not even Big!!!! And you know what, I am feeling pretty good about it. I am pretty happy and satisfied with my life right now. Lots more to do, but a lot of things have changed for the best, and the main one is being able to live honestly.