Saturday, April 28, 2012
The other side....
I never thought I would be here...don't get me wrong the draw to fall back on my Agnes ways is still there (a true addiction as Kat once talked about)...it is pretty close to "one day at a time" or whatever the AA saying is.
PC and I have been seeing each other exclusively for almost 3 months now. Within that time frame I have taken a trip on my own, and no cheating! Cannot even think about a time in the last few years that I have been on a girls trip and did not at least make out with someone, or been out on the town and drunk and kissed someone (or more). Don't get me wrong, I am still very attracted to other men but somehow I am managing to keep my 'dick in my pants' so to speak!
PC is not my forever guy, I truthfully can never do forever again (I know I should never say never) but I just do not see long term. He is at a different stage in his life, and I am ready to spread my wings! But for now I am enjoying the honesty him and I have with one another, the attention he pays to me - so complimentary and loving and kind to me. Just very conscientious about my feelings and needs and very appreciative of me meeting his needs (all of THEM uh huh...). The sex is very good (keeps getting better and better - he even "accidentally" slipped into the back door last night - I was soaking wet, and he did kinda slip in - later he said, "sorry I didnt realize..." - it was a first for him - I think we will try again one night soon).
I do have days where I panic and want to get out, and I have to just slow down and enjoy TODAY. Some of that of course is the fear, that like FG he too will break my heart, and I figure get out before that can happen. And I know you cannot live like that.
And while PC is wonderful, he is not FG. I do still miss him deeply and the connection FG and I had was so strong. While I think PC feels that for me, it is not nearly as strong at my end (which does carry an element of guilt with it). When FG would even touch my shoulder, it would send a shiver throughout my body. We could not be cooking in the kitchen without touching one another (which of course usually resulted in sex). But I keep asking myself was that due to the nature of our relationship? The forbidden fruit? And that my relationship with PC is "normal" and much healthier? So I struggle with that a bit. Don't get me wrong, I will always get off, I love sex, but having that fiery electric deep in your belly sex is something difficult to attain...OR IS IT?
I do still communicate with FG on occasion...I write the odd note to help me work through my feelings, and check in on how he is doing. I have to say he has been quite good at allowing me to do that and responding "appropriately" by not engaging. He knows if he gives an inch I'll take a mile, and we can never go back to what we had. I don't want to go back, I had many more sad days in the end than happy. But I do miss the friendship we had. And I would like to get to a better place with him and truly envision us going for a coffee and talking about old times, and be able to keep our hands off each other ha ha. It is also making it easier that he is seeing someone too. Of course, I was initially jealous. But clearly had no right to be as I had started dating PC before he started dating, and of course as we know, I was less than faithful to him during our relationship. It is just a bit sad and disappointing some days that now that we are able to be single, and open and honest, we don't get to do that with each other. We actually had a lot of the same future plans etc But that's okay we will both do that on our own, and will be always be proud of one another for coming out of all of that "stuff".
No one else has resurfaced ...not even Big!!!! And you know what, I am feeling pretty good about it. I am pretty happy and satisfied with my life right now. Lots more to do, but a lot of things have changed for the best, and the main one is being able to live honestly.
at 6:48 AM