Saturday, April 28, 2012

To Err is Human..

...or whatever the saying is!

I just read my post "The Other side..." this morning, which I wrote a couple of weeks ago but did not publish. But of course I have to now, cause it just goes to show that just when you think you are out of the woods...

Oh ya, so let's start with the minor stuff...Big called twice since that posting... but I did not hook up, but I certainly did not tell him about PC or discourage thoughts of a future hook up. I am not sure why I cannot let that one go (and of course I hear GLNO saying "don't ever give up big cock" or something to that effect).

Oh and PPM surfaced for a day! I found his old email and just sent a random message asking how he was which evolved into a day of him trying to get me over to fuck him. And of course he was still full of shit and had stories coming out of his ass - that guy always made me laugh!

And dumbfuck Kiwi called...not for a hookup...oh no, him and his wife are still trying to work on their relationship but she is insisting that she needs to see a photo of me, that's it. He has maintained a denial to her about my full identity...gee thanks! But wanted to warn me that she would be doing some online searching for me...what a fucker! So I think I have minimized any findings there...he apologized once again for being such a dumbfuck, I played it cool...said no worries...but just don't completely give me up!!!!!! It is pretty far in the past for me now, but just another wrinkle I do not feel like dealing with though so hopefully that blows over.

And lastly, remember all I said about FG and how well things were going (although I did say how easily I would cave if he reached out), well he emailed last week asking me to call him. Of course I drop everything and call him. Yup! I called him and ditched my plans to race home to have him over to chat. When he arrived he was looking very sullen and a bit sheepish. I knew and he knew that no good could come from this visit (although some did in the end) but we could not stop this train wreck.

We talked for quite a bit (at first me just rambling, likely out of nervousness), and then he became quite emotional. Of course he has not made many changes in his life although there was some positives, that I pointed out as per usual. And of course there are issues with the girlfriend, and he stated it was not going to be long term (it was like he read my mind with respect to PC...except I am happy with PC when I allow myself to be!). Anyway, it came to a head with me going over to him to hug him, as a friend! And then the hug grew deeper and deeper in intensity, he told me in the first time since we split up, that he really missed me...I KNOW YOU, YOU CAN ALL SEE WHERE THIS IS just felt so good to hug this deeply...the connection is incredible (and I realize that a lot of that is hurt and anger too - we had a passionate affair, good or bad we did). A few times we looked at each other, kissed on the cheek, but I kept pulling myself away. And then he would say, "I better go" and I stupidly said "No please stay" and then said ha ha "Don't worry, I won't sleep with you..." cause I truly believed I had the strength and willpower and the respect for PC not too!!!!! I truly did. And then...he walked me, backed me, however it was but we made it over to the bed and the rest is history. We made the most passionate love we have in a very long time, if ever, it was mixed with raw emotion and familiarity and the post-coital embrace was the most tender (and lengthiest) ever, filled with all kinds of emotion. And of course, I then offered to feed him ha ha - it's what I do...but I also could not have him just leave.

So we enjoyed dinner was actually really good, we talked about what brought him here etc Then it was time for him to leave and we hugged again and I started to speak and he stopped me and said "Don't ask...", I said "I have nothing to ask, I just want to tell you I have no expectations from this, what happened happened...I do still love you and I am not sure what that means, but what happened today will go no further" (or something to that effect, but essentially that was not the start of something again, it just happened)

So he left and I messaged him later to ask what he thought I was going to ask. He said he was not sure but what I said was perfect. And he thanked me for being there for him and we went back and forth how we may finally be able to move forward. It actually felt really good, cause we got some "unfinished" business out of the way, despite it being very disrespectful and dishonest to our new partners, and I felt that we could move forward as friends.

Well me being me, thinking I was in such a better place and could handle this all - lying to PC and having FG show up out of the blue and reach out to me etc etc - of course COULD NOT HANDLE IT, well at least after several beer. So first I almost sabotage things with PC, by inviting him to the bar I was at with friends for a drink (apparently I was very handsy and was talking crazy talk - going on about insecurity - when in fact it was guilt bubbling over). And then I thought it would be a good idea to text and PHONE FG at 12:30 a.m....oh ya, crying like a baby as PC had left the bar, not so happy and I guess I thought I was calling FG as a friend, and apparently telling him how much he messed me up! And guess where he was???? Oh ya at his girlfriend's place! He said something like, after I said just hang up on me, "Oh...I will be calling you...tomorrow!"

Anyway, I got the email the next day...he was not pleased, being dramatic that it was the second relationship he ruined (okay, first your marriage was a sham and secondly, he had told me that there were issues in his current relationship, but if it was okay then a call from a crazy ex would not ruin it unless he was stupid enough to tell her he had slept with me - which I found out later he did not)...and of course I retaliated, but affirmed I was in no way calling to reconnect and I honestly was not. I just was calling out of how much that fucked with my head and the guilt I was feeling AND I WAS VERY DRUNK.

Anyway, that day too I had to try to salvage things with PC, which I did somewhat that day, but it took until later in the week for us to get back on track and for him to see that I am not crazy. I never did fess up, not sure if that is right or wrong, likely wrong but I will not (or will try with all my power)  ever do that again. I just cannot!

And just yesterday, things got resolved with FG again. I know there is no good reason to have FG in my life still even as a friend. I know it makes no good sense. But for some reason I still need that. I think I almost need to prove to myself that I can do this. Or it just goes back to me being a hoarder. But essentially I messaged him one last time to say that yes, I should not have called, but that we were both to blame for what happened. I am choosing to forgive and forget and move on (myself and him) and that he should consider the same, and if he was willing to do that then he could contact me for a friendship...A PUBLIC ONE! Anyway, never thought I would hear from him again, but I got a message back saying, "Yes, I still want your friendship...BUT NO DRUNK CALLS" I agreed! I really have not been inclined to call him at all...come on, I think I was entitled somewhat to behave in that manner? ha ha ...

So here I am, out of the rubble and read to get back on track. 10 steps forward and just one back this time...I have learned not to beat myself up. I will likely continue to make mistakes, as it is a huge pull for me my past lifestyle and choices I made (with reckless abandon). And on the PC front, I did slip and was doubting that relationship cause I was feeling a bit insecure, even before the FG meeting. And I have decided to make a mental point there, of just enjoying what is there to be had and to quit overthinking everything, but mostly TO GET A LIFE!!!! Idle minds and hands are never a good thing!

So I continue onward and upward! This thing called life certainly can be a challenge, I tell you.

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